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One unhappy guy

February 24, 2023

For Ron DeSantis, making other people unhappy is as American as apple pie.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

Ronald DeSantis, the governor of Florida, is getting a lot of attention these days. He does this by inventing enemies and threatening to rip their guts out and do a do-si-do on their heads. This seems to be working — for him at least — if you read the news — or can’t read it.

Another way Ron the Santita (literally: little saint) sashays into our National Attention Span is by furiously rejecting anything that contains, or might contain, the letters, in this order: A&P. This was a grocery store company that kicked butt for 166 years, until it ceased to exist in 2015, a victim of its own success.

(When too many people, or corporations and politicians, start following an old tried and true system: Watch out!)

Why the Little angry Saint is so pissed off at a grocery chain that no longer exists is a poser. But in hopes that people will pay attention to me, too, and even — dare I say it? — like me, I shall write this column according to the angry Saint’s rules, without the offensive dyad of letters.

The angry Little Saint and members of his cult like to whang on their religion like an out-of-tune banjo. This appears to work with adherents of the largest religious denomination in our country: the Southern B**tist Convention.

(B**tist does not mean Baathist. Baathists were, or are, a political party in Iraq (you could look it up). But if you look closely, you’ll see that Southern B**tist Convention lacks an “h.” So the two are not the same. Though sometimes their **proaches to politics are closely aligned.)

Perh**s I should face the truth, that the angry Little Saint has more **titude for politics than anyone else. That Americans today **preciate hearing him wank on about commies in the closet of the kindergarten library.

But wait, I’ve got an ex-plantation. Or whatever you call the che** lies you tell to try to get out of the consequences of something you actually did.

The angry Little Saint’s biggest hit — so far — is to put a hit on public schools. To make che** lies the basis of the curriculum — to make the only acceptable response for kids from kindergarten through graduate school be: “Yes, my c**tain!

Here is a story that might be true. I ain’t gonna say it is or ain’t. But, hey, it could be true. And isn’t that our standard for right-wing “news” today?

So here is my news: I’m a beekeeper. 

I was peacefully tending my **iary when some tough bees flew by — bees from a criminal street gang. I had to kill them, Your Honor. They were undocumented Mexican bees, buzzing loud as cr** in my right ear, and would not let me **proach them. Plus, it was nighttime. That’s when bees in Mexican street gangs fl** their little wings to cross the border, intent on r**ing our poor pure and innocent bees, above all in Texas, Florida and Arizona.

To c** it off, these bees didn’t even speak our language. I know, cause I ast them. Plus, some of them was tattooed.

Get the joke yet? Pretty thin material to build a column on, I admit. So here is what I really think.

Ron the angry Little Saint is a deeply unh**py person. But rather than deal with it in the way he oughta, by seeking counseling, his “solution” is to try to make other people unh**py, but in a different way. He wants as many unh**py people as possible, in his island state of Florida and all across the United States. He thinks that’s his job, and his way to power — like so many other powerful unh**py people do, all around the world, with all their peculiar religions.

That’s Ron’s program too. For Ron the ayatollah, making other people unh**py is as American as **ple pie.

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