‘On Bullshit’: An update

I have become an expert on bullshit since I fell and broke my hip a month ago. Now that I’m home alone with my dogs, I bullshit myself every day, starting even before I get up.

“That was a good night’s sleep,” I say, as I open my eyes and wrest them away from the ceiling. [That’s bullshit.] “Sleeping in a recliner is so much nicer than sleeping in bed.” [Bullshit.]

Then grasping my walker in both hands, I waddle into the kitchen to feed the dogs, and pretend to think, “Wow, I hardly hurt at all today; I feel so much better than yesterday.” [Bullshit; bullshit.]

So even before the sun is up, do you see what I have done? I have bullshitted myself sufficiently to work up the false courage to face another day. This concludes Stage One of my daily bullshit. Stage Two commences when I pick up the phone.

“How are you doing today?” my friend asks.

I reply: “I hurt. Life sucks. F.ing doctors won’t renew my prescription because they say I’ll get hooked on 5 mg. of oxycodone. F.ing morons.”

Note that in Stage Two I am telling the truth. Why am I doing this? I do it to try to get sympathy from other people. Note too that in trying to get sympathy I am renouncing the bullshit — the lies — that I told myself in Stage One.

We have already entered Stage Three. In Stage Three the bullshitter blames his bullshit on other people [the damn doctors] and refuses to acknowledge that the source of his pain is something within himself. (In my case, a broken hip.)

Thus we see that beginning with a simple, transparent lie to myself — that there is nothing wrong with me — in two more easy steps, within minutes, I have managed to involve the entire world (myself, my friends, the doctors) in my bullshit.

But enough about me. How can we apply these Three Lessons About Bullshit to this year’s presidential election?

Easy.

Step One: Tell millions of voters that there is nothing wrong with them.

Step Two: Persuade millions of other voters to say, “Aww. Poor you.”

Step Three: Bearing in mind Steps One and Two, spread the word that all of this — above all, the way you feel — is somebody else’s fault. (Doctors are good people to blame things on. See: Covid, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and if you’ve got a strong stomach and absolutely nothing better to do check out Bobby Kennedy Jr.)

Now we see how easy it could be to construct a mass political party founded upon bullshit, to recruit others to join in your bullshit. (“It’s not your fault. … There, there; poor you. … It’s those other guys’ fault … doctors, elitists.”)

But having signed up millions of people to believe your bullshit, you can see the problem: How do you keep your members from defecting? How do you keep them lapping up that bullshit?

Easy. Make the cost of defecting — the smallest deviation from the bullshit line — punishable by immediate and eternal expulsion from the Brotherhood of Bullshit.

Do you want to lose your friends? Are you willing to accept that any of your problems, of which you have so many, might possibly be your own fault? Are you willing to accept the responsibility of fixing your problems yourself, when there are millions of other guys you could blame? Guys you don’t even know (and that’s not your fault), guys who don’t know you (and that’s their fault).

Isn’t it easier to just swallow the bullshit of some guy who says he can make it all better, all by himself? That you don’t have to do a damn thing to solve your own problems, other than send him money and follow him around and vote for him? Wouldn’t that be a lot easier for you, in the short run? Of course it would. Leave it to that guy and your problems will all be taken care of.

There’s only one thing wrong with that.

It’s bullshit.

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