*Not Included

     If you are now expecting your first child, or are thinking about having children at any time in the future, do yourself a favor and immediately buy stock in any company that manufactures batteries. Energizer, Duracell, Radio Shack, whatever company makes those weird rechargeable batteries, any of them will do.
     Because once the kid arrives, you’ll start going through batteries like a Raider fan whose cousin boosted a truckload of them the night before a Chargers game.
     My daughter turns six months old soon. She can’t walk or talk yet, and is just getting the hang of eating with a spoon. I tried to get her to cut the grass last weekend (one of the more overlooked aspects of parenthood is free labor), but she just looked at me and threw up.
     Even though she can’t do much, she sure can go through batteries. All sizes, any make, I’ve used them in the past six months.
     From the six D batteries required for her swing, to the AAA batteries for her baby monitor, to the nine volt for her activity mat, all the AAs and Cs in between. I’ve bought them all since last November. I even had to buy a new battery for our cordless phone, which I dropped in a bought of drinking brought on by the pressures of watching her all by myself three nights after she was born.
     In all seriousness, I’ve probably bought more batteries since she’s been born than I have in my entire life.
     Everyone is familiar with the old, reliable AA, probably the most common type of battery found in every household in the country. But until you start handling Ds on a regular basis, you have no idea how much power the trinkets of modern child rearing require.
     You could probably power a radio station for a couple minutes with enough D batteries. Compared to AAA or even AA batteries, the D is the king daddy battery (question: where are the A batteries?). You don’t really need them for most things around a house. I don’t think I’d bought a D battery in years before she was born. This spring I’ve bought at least fifteen of them.
     I’ve got to go. My computer battery is dying. At least I don’t have to buy a new one every time it dies.

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