My Homosexual Agenda

     Let’s see: North Korea or homosexuals?
     Homosexuals or North Korea?
     So many interesting things to write about.
     Let’s go with homosexuals. There’s some controversy there, but everyone loves North Korea.
     I think it’s time we got up a campaign to stir up a little pro-homosexual bias.
     I’m serious.
     I have a friend who owns a triplex in San Diego who won’t rent to anyone but gay guys. Well, she will, but she advertises vacancies only in gay magazines.
     “They’re the greatest tenants,” she said. “They ask, ‘Can we paint? ‘Can we change the curtains?’ I had so much trouble with renters until I decided to just rent to gay guys.”
     I realize some of the things I will say here are clichés, but I don’t care. Clichés hang around for a reason.
     We just had a guy over to the house because we need some work done – not decorating, major construction. I was so glad to see he was gay: meticulous, professional, smart, takes pride in his work.
     I have plumber friend who does major projects like entire office buildings. He likes working with gay guys too, for the same reasons.
     I’ve had a lot of gay friends. I used to be a musician. It’s a cliché that there’s gay guys in the string section, but that’s not the only place: Horowitz, Tchaikowsky, Copland, Poulenc, Virgil Thomson, Lennie the switch hitter … not to mention Cole Porter.
     So what? Who cares?
     The only thing that’s important about homosexuality in classical music is that Tchaikowsky was told to kill himself under threat of being exposed as gay. And he did – just after the premiere of his Symphony No. 6.
     Too bad for us, and for everyone else on planet Earth.
     It’s true that gay guys can be nasty – you don’t want to mess with a gay guy in a bad mood. But I’ve never had one try to beat me up, like straight guys tried to do in high school.
     One day at a high school party one of my tormenters passed a joint to me. I asked why he always tried to beat me up.
     “Cause I thought you’re gay cause you carry that briefcase around,” he said.
     “That’s not a briefcase,” I said. “That’s a clarinet.”
     He shrugged. Like it would have been all right to beat me up if it were a briefcase.
     I also like gay guys because many of them have no problem with being flagrantly weird. When I was a newspaper editor I had to tear into the guys on the copy desk who made fun of a gay copy editor. They claimed they did it because he was weird, but they wouldn’t have done it if he were weird and straight.
     I liked the guy because he was weird. This was in the days before Quark Express, when editors laid out pages on paper. We were always swiping one another’s White-Out to fix the layout. Not this guy’s though. He Super Glued his White-Out to his desk. I have no idea how he switched it out for a new bottle, but he had his ways.
     He also duct-taped his phone to the receiver on weekends.
     One of my straight friends, also a journalist, pointed out this week that it’s inaccurate to say a lot of people in the United States are prejudiced against gay people, or afraid of them. “They hate them,” he said.
     It’s true. We don’t need to “tolerate” gay guys, or “accept” them. We should be boosting them for the good qualities they have in such abundance.
     There’s nothing to be afraid of. If I had homosexual desires, I would be first line for Mikhail Baryshnikov. But I don’t. Besides, he’s a bit old for me.

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