My Campaign Contributions

I don't know how I've managed to do this - or what I've done to deserve this - but I seem to be on the electronic mailing lists of both Democrats and Republicans.

And they're both constantly pleading for money.

There are new crises or new important imminent deadlines every week.

I suppose this fundraising tactic must work, because they keep doing it, but I haven't contributed anything to either side and I don't know why anyone else would.

They're just so hard to take seriously.

Last Tuesday, a typical day, I got 11 email political solicitations (with none of them going into my spam filter). I'm pretty sure November 2016 is a ways away, but you wouldn't know it from these pathetic pleas.

Most of them have odd "sender" names and subject lines. I guess the idea is to make us read them because a brain-dead person might think they were personal messages or because they look so weird.

I was about to delete last week's pleas in disgust as I usually do, when it occurred to me that all this communication from political organizations doesn't have to go to waste.

In fact, it's a wonderful opportunity for democracy.

You don't have to send any of them money, but you can respond to the deluge of messages.

Think of it as a counter-deluge - and a way to have some creative fun.

Just come up with what you think is the appropriate response to each sender and subject line and send off your reply. All those PACs or campaign committees will be delighted to see your input.

Let's use some of last week's bunch as examples.

Sender: "LAST CHANCE"; Subject: "We're out of ideas"

Dear Last Chance: I'm so sorry to hear you're out of ideas. Does this mean I'll never hear from you again? Here's hoping.

Sender: "DEMOCRATIC ALERT;" Subject: "5 seconds is all."

Dear Democratic Alert: If you just relax, you'll last longer. Have you considered Viagra?

Sender: "[email protected];" Subject: "RECORD-BREAKING victory."

Dear 5-Hour: Thank God it's over.

Sender: "Elis (personal)"; Subject: "Fw: Re: Re: where are we?"

Dear Elis: I don't know you personally. No wonder you're lost.

Sender: "Dennis;" Subject: "Sorry, I'm done."

Dear Dennis: While I abhor the loss of life and would never advocate suicide, I support you in your decision.

(NOTE: This one turned out not to be a political one - just someone with a money-making scheme. My response is still appropriate.)

Sender: "[email protected];" Subject: "AUTO-CONFIRM: {(M. Policzer (06/30/2015)}"

Dear Final Notice: I appreciate the confirmation, but I'm pretty sure my auto has another 3,000 miles to go before its next service. Please recheck your records.

Sender: "Ali Lapp;" Subject: "Wanted to explain this"

Dear Ali: No explanation necessary. I know my charms are difficult to resist. Do not feel embarrassed.

Sender: "Elizabeth Warren;" Subject: "I have news for you:"

Dear Liz: Thanks, but shouldn't you be doing something senatorial? Let the pros report the news.

Sender: "[email protected];" Subject: "ATTN Milton Policzer"

Dear Members: Attention is nice. Thank you very much. Now may I call your attention to the calendar?

Sender: "(MEMBERSHIP) Democratic Majority Alert;" Subject: "ALERT Milton Policzer"

Dear Majority: What exactly are you the majority of? And you thought I wasn't alert ...

Sender: [email protected]; Subject: "Distraught"

Dear Brandon: I know you're unhappy, but sending out mass emails is not the answer. Please consider counseling.

Sender: "Bobby Jindal;" Subject: "I'm being attacked"

Dear Bobby: I'd love to help, but I fear you have made a critical error. Calling 911 is the best tactic in an emergency.

Sender: "Ben Carson;" Subject: "Let's shock Washington."

Dear Ben: Great idea. How do we get the live power lines into the Capitol Building?

Sender: "World Wildlife Fund;" Subject: "Milton, Elephants Need You Today"

Dear WWF: I think Republicans can get along fine without me.

Hmm ... Maybe I should read this email.

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