By Tex Fritters
Dear Mr. Editor:
Me and the Cowboy Caucus has been reading in the newspapers a lot of nonsense about our president, Mr. Don john Trump, about how he done this and that, and with who, a lot of these whos being of the female persuasion, and how he dodged his taxes and stiffed poor honest working men and women for their wages and so on. These things being so horrible as they is, if even half of them be true, me and the Cowboy Caucus has decided they is only one conclusion to be drew from it: Mr. Trump must be a Democrat.
Me and the Cowboy Caucus, being from Texas, is wholly republican in our believes. We belief (singular) in the wholly Christian religion (New Testament part), a balanced budget, no nude art in the schools until college — and then, maybe — and of course the highest morel standards in our elected leaders, morel being a kind of mushroom, or fungus, of a desiccated appearance, that has nothing to do with the way one of them working women described the appearance of Mr. don John’s peter.
Me and the Cowboy Caucus has compiled a list of the morel sins of Mr. Trump, as reported by the working press, and these include (hold on, lemme find the envelope):
Lyin’ ever time he opens his mouth just about
Insulting women in the most vilest terms
Treating women as no cowboy ever would or oughta treat a woman
Cottoning up to foreign dictators who are not only foreign, but from another country
Talkin’ out of two sides of his mouth and lyin’ out of both of ‘em
Takin’ little children and babies away from their mommies and daddies
puttin’ them babies in jails farther apart from their moms than El Paso is from Nacogdoches
Playin’ fast and loose with govermint taxes
Givin’ that tax money to his friends
Cozyin’ up to Russia
And so on.
Me and the Cowboy Caucus protest.
If even half these allocutions is correct, they ain’t but one expiration for it: This here Don john Trump must be a Democrat.
Ain’t it so? Or ain’t it?
Me and the Cowboy Caucus has believed since our fundation, back in 1974, that only the U.S. Republican Party is The Truth and The Way (aside from our wholly Christian religion (New Testament part).)
So if, as we said, Don john Trump done even the half of this, me and the Cowboy Caucus would like to ask you, Mr. Editor: Is Don john Trump a Democrat, or what?
He must be, cause no republican would do this, republicans being morelistic. And good and true party line-voting republicans would protest if he done even the third of it.
So that is our question to you today, Mr. Editor, and the Cowboy Caucus would be much obliged if you could clear this up.
We await your decision.
(Tex Fritters is a founding nephew of the Cowboy Caucus. His daddy’s little brother Floyd Fritters founded the Cowboy Caucus on Aug. 10, 1974, immediate after Richard M. Nixon resigns. Founded as an environmental organization, in defense of cowboys and cattle, and to honor Mr. President Nixon (Republican) for creating the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, to protect cowboys and cattle and fish, the Cowboy Caucus has since then extended its reach. Today we proudly represent the interest not only of cowboys and cowgirls (since 2017) in Washington, D.C., we also lobby for the protection of interspeciation of mammals, no matter how this may have come about.
(Tex is a graduate of the Grapevine (Texas) Academy of Horseshoeing. His wife of 59 years, Eulalie Maude Fritters (née Soeurs) helped with the grammar and spelling.)