More Honors

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The unbelievable accolades keep rolling in. The Los Angeles lawyer who hosts the world’s greatest radio show has now been named Lawyer of the Decade, even though the decade isn’t over yet.

You’ve got to be impressed. There are more than two years left in the decade and all the other contenders are so far behind they can’t catch up.

As you may recall, we noted a couple of weeks ago that this guy’s radio show was being honored as the world’s best by a group that seems to honor hundreds of programs and lets you buy your own trophy. And now a marketing company has issued a fascinating press release announcing that our hero “was recently selected as the ‘Lawyer of the Decade’ for 2018.”

They’ve seen into the future and then crammed 10 years into 2018. This is a marketing firm with foresight.

I thought that was pretty impressive, but just a couple of hours after writing the preceding sentence, I was in my car and heard a radio ad that called a different guy the “lawyer of the century.”

There was no indication whether it was this century or the last one, but either way that seems pretty good.

I have no idea what this guy did to earn this title or who bestowed it upon him, but that would definitely trump “lawyer of the decade.” (I also believe it’s not a coincidence that the word “trump” seems to apply so well to a contest of extreme boasting.)

By the way, I've been named “greatest columnist of all time.” You can decide who the best columnist of the century and decade are — those guys are insignificant compared to me.

I’m now in the market for an appropriate trophy.

I know what some of you are thinking: Where’s my accolade? Have all the good awards been taken?

Or course not. All you need is your imagination and a few bucks for a plaque or a bust.

Here are a few you might consider:

World’s Sexiest Counselor.

Mr. Courtroom Congeniality, 2017.

Best Lawyer in My Apartment Building.

All-Around Finest Human Being.

The Face of America (if the WWE hasn’t copyrighted that one)

Largest Lawyer. (Clients will be impressed by your intimidation factor.)

Fastest Attorney Alive. (You may not get a speedy trial, but you’ll lose weight keeping up with your advocate.)

SuperLawyer! (Yeah, I know there are already a bunch of Super Lawyers out there. But are any of them wearing capes and colorful underwear? You could really stand out.)

Mr. Sneaky. (I know this doesn’t sound flattering to a lot of you, but consider potential clients. The sneakiest lawyer on the planet could be very attractive to a lot of people.)

Smartest Person in the Universe. (I know this one could put a lot of pressure on you, but if you’re smart, you’ll blame any errors on your staff.)

Not the smartest person. The term “sociological gobbledygook” got some news coverage last week when the Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court used it to describe a formula for deciding whether voting districts have been unfairly drawn.

When one party gets a lot more seats with a lot fewer votes, it seems pretty easy to understand.

But apparently, numbers present a challenge to the justice. Or at least they do when they favor conservatives. I’m guessing that if a future heavily gerrymandered California came before the court, the equations might seem easier.

But that’s me being cynical (which is my job). What we should all wonder is whether judges who can’t handle basic math or science are qualified to make decisions.

Maybe we should get them tutors.

Until that happens, expect legal gobbledygook.

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