Money Matters

“It’s complicated.” When you hear someone say that, do you believe it? My reaction is that whoever is saying that would rather not explain what’s going on.

That was my reaction too when reading news reports that lawyers are charging $1,000 or more per hour for work on the Boy Scouts of America bankruptcy case. The bankruptcy judge even called the fees “staggering.” The supposed rationale from the lawyers was that the work was “complex.”

Raise your hand if you think any of those lawyers give discounts when the work is simple.

What does “complex” legal work even mean? Did a lawyer have to think harder than usual? Was there heavy lifting of law books or files? Maybe some of this money is to compensate for the extreme boredom brought on by handling hundreds of similar claims.

I should note here that I don’t feel sorry for the Boy Scouts. There apparently has been something like 85,000 claims of abuse made against them. The organization may be getting what it deserves.

(Side note to my note: I could be biased here since I was Cub Scout reject or dropout as a child. My memory is a little hazy on what exactly happened but I still have trouble tying knots.)

But all that money probably should be going to victims rather than $1,000-an-hour lawyers and consultants.

What should be done?

The judge in this case should require a very full, detailed explanation of the so-called complexity as opposed to ordinary simple-minded lawyering. What is exactly is being done to deserve these fees? And no one should be allowed to charge fees for explaining fees.

Even better: let the judge watch a lawyer work for an hour. If the lawyer isn’t working every second, covered in sweat and gasping for breath, the fee must be reduced.

I want to see video of this.

Pandemic relief. Is a million dollars an incentive? Yes, it is, but the announcement last week that the state of Ohio is offering a lottery for $1 million a week over five weeks to people who have been vaccinated struck me as not particularly effective or well thought-out.

The idea, presumably, is to get people averse to vaccination or too lazy to get vaccinated to get the shots so they can enter the lottery. My immediate reaction was to wonder why a million dollars? Why not $10,000?

Gamblers consider the odds. Is a one-in-a-million chance for a million dollars better or worse than a hundred-in-a-million chance for $10,000?

Then consider that most of the people eligible for the lottery would have gotten the shot anyway. If you truly believe a vaccination will kill you, turn you into an alien, or invade your privacy, a million may not be worth it.

What we need are incentives for the truly hesitant and/or truly ignorant. I have a few suggestions to at least tempt hard-core antivaxers or lazy people.

Sex. Ok, I know this is illegal, but a state could pass a temporary law allowing sex workers to combat the Covid-19 crisis. Be honest — you know there are people who will do almost anything for an anonymous night of passion. Other diseases might be spread, but at least not Covid-19.

Twitter followers. Anyone who gets the shot will automatically be given 10,000 randomly selected followers. We may not want to follow those people, but it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make to end this crisis.

Immunity. If you agree to Covid immunity, you also get immunity for any misdemeanors and minor felonies you may have recently committed. It’s a fair trade.

Or just give $100 to the first 10,000 people who show up each week and get ready for long lines.

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