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Monday, March 18, 2024 | Back issues
Courthouse News Service Courthouse News Service
Op-Ed

Marriage tips from Bob

May 13, 2022

Are you a young man or woman, recently married, wondering how to preserve your fleeting, deluded state of happiness? Then harken to these Tips from Bob. Or not.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

Advice to men: Listen to your wife. Really listen to her. Until she keeps yammering on and on about the same damn thing. In which case, keep nodding, and saying, “Yes, dear,” and, “Is that so?” and remember that a three-letter word for “a young newt” is “eft.”

Advice to women: No, he will not change. He will not. And if you think you can change him, and want to change him, then why did you marry him, knowing who he was?

Advice to men: No. Do not tell her about that weekend in Kowloon when you had shore leave. Don’t even think about it. Forget the basket trick. Once is more than enough.

Advice to women: No. Do not put up with it. First time he comes home drunk, put him to bed alone in another room, or in a closet, and when he wakes up, brew him a cup of coffee, sit him at the kitchen table, and after he takes one sip, tell him, in words like these: “You ever pull a stunt like that again you’re toast, mister. You understand what I’m saying? You fuck up one more time, you’re out of here. And get me some money too.”

More advice to women: If you have to get to work at the usual time, before that despicable, irresponsible, lecherous drunk wakes up, ask the housekeeper to tell him, in words like these: “La señora me pidió a contarle que ‘Usted está en la mierda.’ Y, entonces, me pidió a preguntarle, en inglés: ‘What is wrong with you, sheethead? You think you own the focking world? And jour wife too? Well think again, deepshit.’”

Advice to the housekeeper: Read the lines as they were given you. Fear not the wrath of the man. He will tremble before you. If he asks you to marry him, that’s your business, but his wife’s already got half of his money.

Advice to women: No, a $100 farewell tip to Maria is not enough. Two hundred dollars is not enough. Let’s call it five. Better a thousand. And a glowing recommendation. And find her another job.

Advice to self (Ego to superego): Why are you giving this stuff away? You could make millions with this.

Superego advice to ego: Yada yada yada.

One reader writes: 

Bob, what makes you think you are qualified to give advice to anyone — male, female, young, old, human or even a dog? Are you happily married, Bob? Have you ever been married? Happily? Miserably? And regardless, what makes you think that your presumably vast knowledge of love and marriage could or should apply to anyone’s, or any two people’s, lives, aside from your own, and the poor, unfortunate woman or women who married you, or the lucky ones who did not? Can you answer me that, Bob?

Yours truly, Ellen

Dear Ellen: Thanks for your letter. You remind me of my last wife.

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