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Let’s Settle Our Debates

January 25, 2021

What I’m about to propose could put issues to rest and stop people from yelling at each other and storming capitals.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

OK, I know we should be unifying the country now that a sane person is in the White House. That is probably the best thing to do if it’s possible.

But I had an interesting moment of fantasy the other day — possibly because I’d just had a beer — that could be an important social experiment. Or maybe even a solution to our problems.

If nothing else, what I’m about to propose could put issues to rest and stop people from yelling at each other and storming capitals.

Here’s my thought: If the country is really so divided, why not divide the country? If you’re in a blue state, you get to live in Bluemerica. If you’re in a red state, you get to live in Redneckia.

OK, I’m kidding about that second one. There’s no need to be childish here. Let’s call the red country Amerired and the blue country Disdainia.

Everyone who’s a blue person in a red state or a red person in a blue state is free to move to the other country. A national exchange could be set up to swap houses and/or jobs.

Then the contest begins! Which philosophical and political position produces the better results?

Is the crime rate higher or lower with or without guns? Are there more or fewer jobs with minimum wages? Do police do better if they’re funded or defunded? Are people healthier if they don’t have health care? Are large corporations our friends? Is racism a good idea? Are we better off without any science? Should we storm the capital if we don’t get enough votes? Environment? What environment?

I know what you’re thinking: What if I’m purple? Shouldn’t “moderates” get a country?

I suppose that’s an option, but I have my doubts about whether so-called moderates are all that moderate. Quiz one of your moderate friends on the issues to see what I mean.

There is, of course, the clueless or noncaring, portion of the population. They shouldn’t be a problem — they’ll fit in either country. Give them a Netflix subscription and forget about them.

When the migrations start, we’ll have our answers.

Alien Nation. I should note here that unity is still possible in our country. All we have to do is look for common ground. There are a few hopeful signs.

The Supreme Court of Mississippi, for example, issued a unanimous ruling this month on an issue you may not have considered: the right to claim to be dead even though your body is still walking and talking.

I normally don’t like to make light of non-lawyer arguments by people who don’t know any better. There are more than enough wacky lawyer arguments to enjoy. But this is a particularly entertaining argument that I won’t spoil for you. Just go read the ruling.

However, I do have a couple of questions for you to consider: Why is a state Supreme Court dealing with this? Are they bored? If we have a right to change gender, why not mortality status?

Favorite subheading from the ruling: “Whether the presumption-of-death statute includes aliens.”

We have more work to do on immigration reform than we thought.

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