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Let’s Make a Deal

January 7, 2019

I know Christmas has passed but that doesn’t mean we can’t have wish lists. This could be the best time ever to ask for whatever you want — at least if you’re a Democrat.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

I know Christmas has passed but that doesn’t mean we can’t have wish lists. This could be the best time ever to ask for whatever you want — at least if you’re a Democrat.

You see, there’s this guy who really, really, really wants a big fancy wall. I’m not entirely sure why. I suspect he needs somewhere to hang giant portraits of himself. It will probably have his name on it too: The Donald J. Trump Giant Obstruction or something like that. There will be Trump Towers at convenient intervals to accommodate visitors in style.

Hard-hearted Democrats, however, won’t give the guy the money to build this noble structure and, as a result (at least as of this writing), parts of the U.S. government (the parts that don’t inconvenience rich people) have shut down. There’s been a lot of foot-stamping.

This state of affairs doesn’t need to continue. It should be an opportunity, not a stalemate. Democrats or humans in general need to come up with a wish list of stuff to trade for the wall. I have a few suggestions:

The planet. Asking for the planet may seem a bit extravagant, but consider the benefits. We all get to continue living and Mar-a-Lago doesn’t get washed away. We trade the wall for an agreement to stop deregulating the environment and maybe even working with — dare I say it? — other countries on climate change. It’s a good deal. Maybe we could even get solar panels on top of the wall.

De-Icing. Since the wall will stop illegal immigration, why do we need ICE? Eliminating ICE would pay for the wall. We could pretend the savings came from Mexico.

Gun Control. Since the wall will stop the wave of criminals crashing into the country, we won’t need guns for protection anyway.

A new season of The Apprentice. In this scenario, the president doesn’t get the wall but instead gives it up in exchange for the other things he wants — the center of attention and the ability to fire people. To sweeten the deal, prominent Democrats, journalists, and Omarosa have to be on the show so they can be kicked off.

Resignation. He’ll get his monument. What else is there for him to do?

Income inequality. Examples of the unfairness of life in an unregulated capitalist society keep revealing themselves. The latest comes from a New York federal judge’s ruling in Toth v. 59 Murray Enterprises, in which we learn that actress Carmen Electra made more than $5 million from modeling over a three-year period.

Noted the court: “For years in which the other ten plaintiffs reported incomes from modeling, they ranged from $400 to $92,000.”

Guess who won the case and who didn’t.

By the way, those of you who used to enjoy Sears catalogs or still enjoy Victoria’s Secret catalogs might want to take a look at this ruling. You don’t get visuals like this every day in law books. (See page 6).

Goes without saying. You’d think some things are so obvious that they don’t need to be said (or written). Like this from a New York appellate ruling last week: “With respect to attempted assault in the first degree, testimony that defendant struck the victim in the head with a hammer establishes beyond a reasonable doubt that defendant intended to cause serious physical injury to the victim.”

Unless, of course, the guy was trying to hammer an unruly curl back into place.

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