Giving dogs the right to vote and hold political office would be the simplest way to restore integrity to our state and federal governments in this age of crumbling democracy, institutional racism, sexism and authoritarian abuses.
But — I hear you say — give me one good reason why we should let dogs vote.
Because dogs are better than people. Everyone knows this, with the possible exception of cat people, who are not to be trusted anyway.
But — I hear your howls of execration already — you can’t do that! Why, dogs can be bribed with no more than a biscuit.
Correct. But so what? It would expand our age-old tradition of political bribery to everyone, instead of restricting it to millionaires and corporations, as we do today.
But — I hear you yowl — dogs will follow just about anyone around, for the flimsiest of reasons, even for the promise of a biscuit.
Correct. But how does that differ from our political system today?
Besides which, dogs will stay away from a bad dog — unlike, for example, Republican members of Congress.
Want proof? Go to any decent dog park: Dogs will let any dog join their pack. Black, white, brown, even mixed colors; it makes no difference to a dog.
Plus, dogs like to have fun, and more than that, a dog does not mind if he sees other dogs having fun. A dog will not try to keep other dogs from having fun. No, the dog will try to have fun herself, and all dogs will be happier for it.
What’s more, a dog will never punish another dog, unless the other dog does something that demonstrably harms another dog — steals a bone, for example. And even then, no dog would sentence another dog to years, or a lifetime, in a cage. No, a dog will simply ask for the bone back. End of punishment.
But — I hear you growl — how do we know which way a dog wants to vote?
Easily fixed: Get a panel of dog experts — veterinarians, dog trainers, animal ethologists — they’ll tell us which way a dog wants to vote, on anything at all. A dog will vote for what’s fair, and makes us happy. End of discussion.
OK, I hear you meow — (having failed to come up with a reasonable argument against any of my points) — how can we trust a dog to hold a position of public trust?
Easy — (by the way, you shouldn’t have used the word “trust” twice in that question; surely you can come up with something better than that; or can you?)
But as I was saying: What does a dog want? Shelter, food, love, a walk, a place to have fun and a place to lie down. Another dog to love, perhaps a human. That’s about it.
You cannot bribe a dog by offering him anything more than that. A dog does not want anything more than that. So how could you bribe a dog?
Does a dog want a giant, billion-dollar kennel, like Vladimir Putin?
A dog does not.
Does a dog seek the adulation of multitudes, and will a dog go to any lengths to get it, including crawling through pits of blood and money?
A dog will not.
Will a dog make a TV commercial in which he shoots a gun at other dogs, and threatens to kill anyone, dog or human, who wants to keep him from shooting that gun at other dogs or people?
A dog would never do that.
Would a dog lie? Can a dog lie?
A dog will not. A dog cannot.
Would a dog do anything immoral? Can a dog do anything immoral?
A dog cannot.
Finally, after you’ve met a dog, and made friends with a dog, do you fear, with reason, that that dog might do you harm? Of course not. Can you say the same about men? Of course not.
Dogs are better than people. Let them vote. And while we’re at it, let’s put some dogs on the Supreme Court. Could we be any worse off than we are today?
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