Law horses

A lot of lawyers must own horses. I bring this up because, earlier this month, a 3-year-old colt named Litigate won the Sam F. Davis Stakes at Tampa Bay Downs.

It reminded me that an awful lot of racehorses have law-related names.

Affirmed won the Triple Crown and almost $2.4 million. Constitution won the Florida Derby and is now a stallion with a stud fee of $110,000. Tiz the Law won the Belmont and earned $2.7 million. Judge Angelucci earned $1.5 million.

A law-related name, though, is no guarantee of success. A mare named Law Degree failed to place in any of her four races. Lawyer Up managed to win $60 in his two lifetime starts. Lawyers in Love never made it into a race.

I could go on and on — the Jockey Club Names Book is filled with law-related names and that, of course, is the problem for you law people out there who need horse names. It seems like all the good names have been taken — even Race Judicata. The rule in American racing, just like the Screen Actors Guild, is that two racehorses can’t share the same stage name.

Fortunately, I’m here to help with name suggestions that haven’t been taken. (Note: There’s an 18-character/space limit on thoroughbred names, so don’t get verbose.)

Your firm name. Imagine the attention and client development you could generate with a winning racehorse sporting your firm name. Imagine BakerHostetler, GibsonDunn, SidleyAustin, KirklandEllis, LathamWatkins, DLAPiper and JacobyMeyers battling it out in the stretch with LarryParker. I want to see that race.

Think of the clients that will want to visit your barn.

(I have to note that the Jockey Club rules bar names with commercial “significance.” If you lawyers are any good, you should be able to figure out a way to get around this.)

Partnership track. Bring new meaning to the race for partnership status by naming horses after associates. First associate to win a stakes race gets to be a partner.

Cases for races. There’s no reason why a horse race can’t be educational. If you’ve just witnessed a colt named BrownBoard win a big race, you’re going to want to know the origin of that name.

It’s an instant, painless form of public enlightenment.

Think of it as teaching critical race theory (but don’t use CRT for a horse name in Florida).

Legal advice. Horse naming can be a pro bono public educational service. Offer practical consumer advice in your horse name and get credit for it in the Daily Racing Form and the on-track program.

Some examples: Depreciate; DocumentDiscipline; KeepReceipts; GetBadgeNumber; TakeFifth; LivingTrust; 529Plan.

Race fans will have questions and you can answer them in your FanDuel on-air interview.

A few more. I know I said most good law names were taken, but a few have been missed. You can dig those out on your own, but here are a couple that I like that are still available: Guilty Plea; Mechanics Lien; Mrs. Palsgraf; Perry Mason; Qualified Immunity; Probation; CommunityService; Labor Code; Ponzi Scheme (note: Ponzi is taken).

You’re welcome.

Not-secret codes. While we’re on the subject of horses, let me assure you that most horses are not anti-vaxxers. This should be apparent due to the fact that they can’t talk but they do eat carrots.

I bring this up because of a strange modern phenomenon — speaking in codes that either aren’t secret at all or are indecipherable. Maybe both.

The British Broadcasting Corporation last fallreported that anti-vax groups were using carrot emojis as a substitute for “vaccine” so that social media companies wouldn’t censor them for spreading false information.

Umm.

So it’s not obvious what you mean when you say a jab from a carrot could kill you? I mean I suppose a really sharp carrot could do some damage but most vegetables don’t contain Microsoft chips. The BBC had no trouble figuring this out.

And if it’s not obvious what you mean, are you communicating your message? Will there be hysterical parents at school board meetings demanding the removal of carrots from school lunches?

How does Ron DeSantis feel about root vegetables?

This strange communication/noncommunication emoji problem with carrots is not an isolated example. If you don’t believe me, check out an “emoji drug code” provided by the Drug Enforcement Agency.

My question: Are these emojis what you see before or after you consume the drug?

All I can say is