Know Something

I have a solution for the gerrymandering problem: Stop drawing lines! Of any kind. You know I’m right. None of the political lines we have now make any kind of sense. All you have to do is look at New York and Connecticut sitting right next to each other and getting the same number of U. S. senators.

It’s a historical accident and there’s no reason for it now.

And is there a good reason for there to be 435 blowhards in the House of Representatives and 100 more in the Senate? I don’t see one.

Does it make sense that the guy with 3 million fewer votes got elected president? Why are we stuck with people in office for years when we hate them immediately?

Instead of tinkering with districts and state lines and whining about the Electoral College, it’s obvious we need a whole new system. And, unlike the Supreme Court, I’m not afraid to deal with the issue.

Of course, I also don’t have any power to deal with the issue – with no power comes no responsibility, as Aunt May could say – so I can come up with any system of government I like. (Note to those of you who don’t know who Aunt May is: Your literary education is lacking.)

Let’s start with wiping out state lines. There are no reasons for states to exist. We can leave cities and counties for now because it’s too much trouble to get rid of them. States should be easy – they’re useless.

We also don’t need two separate legislatures. One will do nicely. Let’s call it the American House of Legal Edicts (AHOLE).

How many people should live in the AHOLE? It doesn’t matter – pick a number randomly. It should be less than 250 million and more than two and we can fill the spots with one national election every decade. It’s a one-term job because you want to give these people time to do their jobs without worrying about ever being elected again.

After serving for a decade, all AHOLE representatives are barred from public office for the rest of their lives and they can’t work as lobbyists. Exile from the country is an option but we’ll allow them to stay in the country if they promise to stay off Twitter.

The next issue is how to balance the AHOLE so that its members proportionally represent the interests of all Americans but at the same time don’t include crazy ignorant people. Do you want chaos or authoritarianism? Those are both attractive options from an entertainment standpoint but maybe not great for the country.

The solution is to treat AHOLE membership like a real job and require some qualifications. People in the AHOLE should be able to demonstrate that they know something about something instead of just being able to yell at crowds.

In the sole election each decade, voters will be allowed to cast ballots for as many candidates as they want who have qualified to run by demonstrating proficiency in an area important to Americans. The top 10 percent of those getting votes who have expertise in each of the following categories will be elected to office:

  • Economics
  • World Affairs
  • Science
  • Kardashians
  • Beer
  • National Anthems
  • Marvel Universe
  • Sex
  • Oprah
  • Human Relations
  • Drinking
  • Twitter
  • Netflix
  • Game of Thrones
  • Cats
  • Dogs
  • Beyonce

Bonus election votes will be awarded to anyone who seems to know what’s in the Constitution.

As for Presidents, let’s elect them once and then vote them out as soon as we figure out how bad they are.

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