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Thursday, May 23, 2024 | Back issues
Courthouse News Service Courthouse News Service

Keep the Nightmare Alive!

The long national nightmare is almost over.

At least it is if you're reading this on Nov. 7, when this column first appears on Courthousenews.com. If it's later than that and you're still alive, congratulations.

There is a problem, however, that should be very obvious very soon: election campaign withdrawal.

Yes, the campaign has been awful and painful, but whether you're a nasty woman or a bad hombre, you were addicted. Much as we hated it, we couldn't look away. We needed it, we craved it, we lived for it even though we knew it was corroding our souls.

It was an epidemic without a cure.

The surgeon general must have been appalled.

So what do we do now?

How do we fill this emptiness in our lives?

I'm not certain it can be filled, but here are a few suggestions.

Lack-of-Support Groups: Anonymous confessional gatherings of people with similar problems can be great therapy for "-oholics" of any stripe.

In campaignoholics meetings you'll get the chance to make up stories about others in the room and call them names. Then you get to claim that if given a job, you'll cure cancer, defeat ISIS, and make other countries pay for it.

There will be tremendous results.

This can also be done anonymously online and via self-destructing email.

You'll feel better.

Take polls: Survey everyone you know or ask questions on your company website. Publish the results and then announce you don't believe them.

Rigging: Just because the election is over doesn't mean you can't be a rigger or a riggee.

As a riggee, there are still many things you can complain about that are going to be rigged.

"Dancing with the Stars" and "The Voice" haven't been decided yet. Your favorites have been eliminated. Surely the outcome is rigged.

And how about the stock market?

Obviously rigged.

And all those Tinder hotties who won't respond to you?

Tell yourself it's rigged. That must be the explanation.

Tweet, tweet, tweet: And tweet some more.

You must be outraged about something.

If not, see if you can outrage someone else. It's a public service.

Crafting: One of the best things about this election season was the myriad of opportunities for creativity and commerce. We've seen everything from Trump That Bitch T-shirts to Clowns and Jokers (Trump and Pence) pajamas.

There's no reason why merchandising and capitalism have to stop on Tuesday. There are many hats, buttons and signs crying out to be designed and purchased.

I'm hoping for a basket of deplorables for Christmas.

Build a wall: Keep obnoxious neighbors off your property and send them bills.

Sure, they won't pay for it, but you need to keep insisting they will

By the way, I'm expecting Canada to build a wall and pay for it once the election is over.

So come on, America, keep your chin up. The world won't come to an end on Tuesday. (Although I have to admit it just might — the Cubs, after all, did win the World Series. I believe that's one of the signs of the Apocalypse.)

Now go grab some pussy and smash an email server. We can make America terrible again.

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