In Defense of Marriage

     I hate to seem like I’m picking on Texas, but the state has got my attention again with my favorite headline of the past week: “Man charged again with having sex with horse.
     Read the article for yourself – I don’t want to spoil it for you – but there are a couple of things I should note here for legal professionals.
     First off, the story notes that Texas “has no law against bestiality.”
     Texas may have taken the concept of deregulation way too seriously.
     Now consider Senator Rand Paul and others of his ilk. After the U.S. Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, Paul said people might end up marrying non-humans.
     Wise guys like me scoffed at this. Where were all the turtle-human marriages in states that had legalized gay marriage? How likely was it for a dog to fill out a marriage license application?
     Then Texas offered us a romantic tale.
     So this interspecies marriage thing might be the next civil rights frontier after all.
     Personally, I have nothing against horse-human or other mix-and-match marriages. If two creatures are in love, they should have the right to share medical benefits and retirement plans in public.
     Besides, it’s way too hard to hide a horse in a closet.
     By the way, here’s my second favorite headline of the week: “Teenager mauled by lion she was kissing.”
     We’ve spotted a trend.
     And domestic violence may become a whole new problem.
     Bieber Feverish: Speaking of violent beasts, you’ve probably read about the lawsuit a photographer filed against Justin Bieber.
     This is the sort of thing that saddens me about journalism — you hardly ever get the full story. I looked in vain – for at least a couple of minutes – for a news account of the Bieber lawsuit that offered a full description of its unbelievable entertainment value.
     If you haven’t done so already, I advise you to get your hands on a copy of the lawsuit. You’ll thank me.
     It reads like a plot summary for a Saturday morning cartoon, or maybe a Nickelodeon/Disney series – written by a lawyer who just might be a little embarrassed by his own client.
     It seems the celebrity defendant had taken his girlfriend on a date in a “Mercedes Sprinter van (that) is approximately 23 feet long, 9 feet high, and seats up to 12 people. … Defendant struggled to pull the Mercedes Sprinter van out of the space, pulling forward and reversing so as to try to clear the curb of a nearby planter.”
     Have you got that picture in your head?
     Then, allegedly, Bieber started yelling at people – “including an elderly couple and a girl who appeared to be about 13 years old” (and wasn’t his date) to get out of the way and “Fuck off!”
     A few seconds later, he allegedly leaped out of the van and “sprinted as fast as he could toward plaintiff. When he was approximately six to eight feet from plaintiff, he jumped toward plaintiff and delivered a martial arts-type kick.”
     This has got anime written all over it.
     I know I wish I’d been there to see it.
     And who was this hapless plaintiff?
     When you read the unusually long description, you get the feeling the lawyer-writer was being a tad defensive about taking this case.
     Here’s a taste: “Although many find paparazzi annoying at times, these photographers provide content for the tabloid media to meet the incessant and growing demand by American consumers for information of this kind … “
     Yes, it’s a vital public service.
     My favorite line in the suit comes at the end of the incident description, when we’re told that Bieber’s bodyguard, Moshe Benabou, turned up at the scene (a bit late, it seems to me).
     “Mr. Benabou said, among other things, ‘I taught him how to fight!”
     Sensei is not modest.
     So heartwarming.

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