In alphabetical order

A

ACLU:  an organization that claims to, and often does, act upon principles, causing people of all political persuasions to revile it

Akita:  the highest form of dog, with attributes of a cat

alcohol:  a blessing and a curse, with no religious significance

alcoholism:  a disease whose sufferers believe, or come to believe, that it is better not to feel, think, or live too long in this world

allegedly:  guilty

alone:  the result of a series of bad decisions; in error; mistaken

ambulance:  a device to get you there faster

American dream:  this property has been removed from the market

ant:  the creature destined to succeed mankind as the Earth’s dominant life form

anxiety:  a specifically human fear that something or nothing will happen or will not happen at a certain or uncertain time or place, or at some other time or elsewhere

Arizona:  the sixth-largest U.S. state by area (113,998 square miles), and the last of the Lower 48 to be admitted to the Union, on Valentine’s Day 1912, which less than a century later became a symbol, no, the reality, of what is ugly in so many North Americans. This occurred by migration, as hundreds of thousands of white people, from Iowa, Wisconsin, Illinois, the Dakotas, Kentucky and elsewhere moved to Arizona, looked around and said, “Where did all these Mexicans come from?”

art:  no one knows what this is

atheist:  a fellow who has reached a conclusion on a subject about which nobody knows anything

automobile:  an American art form

B

Bach, Johann Sebastian:  a) humanity’s greatest musician; b) so far as we know, the greatest musician in the universe

balloon:  a) mankind’s first device to lend him attributes of a god; b) a child’s toy

bears:  our cousin, who likes to drink and dance; he cannot believe you gave up your fur, so now he refuses to talk to you

beer:  a) nectar of the defeated gods; b) what the gods excrete after drinking ambrosia; c) a nutritious drink which Americans mass-produce by eliminating the pleasurable taste, and retaining the part that does harm

Beethoven, Ludwig van:  humanity’s greatest mind

Behaviorism:  an influential school of 20th century psychology, wholly unconcerned with the fact that the object of thought may think back (see: Skinner, B.F.)

believer:  willfully ignorant (see: atheist)

bicycle:  the greatest invention of the human mind: a mechanical device which cannot be used for harm

broom:  a useful tool, associated with women, and therefore undervalued

C

cake:  how France conquered the world

capital punishment:  a form of death reserved for the poor

cat:  an animal so superior to man it need not demonstrate it, yet does, by the manner in which it walks, jumps, curls up to sleep, and deals with man

Catholic Church:  a multinational corporation that started out in storytelling and poetry, then moved into real estate

chef:  the supreme form of human being (see: bicycle)

**Chicago police: ** they serve, protect, plant drugs, suppress evidence and torture Black people

Christianity:  a religion whose most vocal adherents dedicate themselves to demonstrating their ignorance of, and inability to abide by, the tenets in which they claim to believe

CIA:  Central Intelligence Agency; a branch of the U.S. government that rigs elections, overthrows governments, and kidnaps, tortures and murders whomever it pleases, and protects our freedom (see: FBI)

class warfare:  a term of opprobrium used by people who are winning the war, against anyone who fights back

club:  a crude instrument of war (see country club)

colonialism:   the professed attempt to civilize foreigners by making them slaves

country club:  a club (q.v.) whose purpose is to keep people out

cow:  a stupid, peaceful animal that domesticated man, enabling him to survive as a stupid animal that wages war

coyote:  a quadruped that will survive humans (q.v.), with ants (q.v.); he can make himself invisible; you’ll never catch him; he will dig up and eat your bones

crash:  a) to enter a party uninvited; b) to have an accident in a car; c) the ruination of a nation’s economy; d) to sleep

Custer, Gen. George Armstrong:  a) an American racist who wandered into the wrong neighborhood; b) a gun enthusiast who wandered into the wrong neighborhood; c) a fascist who would have been elected president of the United States if Sitting Bull and his warriors had not done us all the favor of killing him

(Warning to readers: The Devil’s Son’s Dictionary will continue in subsequent columns.)