Immigration Is Good

     As the son of immigrants – legal ones – it’s hard for me to understand why anyone would be anti-immigration.
     After all, is a baby born, say, five feet north of the border with Canada somehow less deserving and less human than a baby born five feet south?
     It’s just not logical. Aren’t people people? Shouldn’t free market conservatives be in favor of markets allocating human resources?
     And yet, oddly, conservatives (at least stereotypically) are in favor of all manner of government regulation when it comes to immigration.
     It makes no sense.
     Consider all the taxpayer money that could be saved if we weren’t patrolling borders, putting up fences, and generating appellate opinions over rulings by immigration law judges who don’t seem to want to pay attention to what’s in front of them.
     After all, there are lots of benefits to immigration. Consider the impact on our professional baseball and basketball teams. How would those teams look without immigration?
     There would be no National Hockey League without immigration. (Fine by me, but I know some of you would notice.)
     The real problem is that people forget the purpose of immigration laws (or at least what the purpose ought to be). The purpose should be to benefit everyone – not just arbitrarily create distinctions among humans based on geography.
     Here are some things to think about:
     
     MATCHMAKING. A traditional route to citizenship is marrying a local. We need to streamline the process with computer dating.
     Allow Americans to search online for mates from foreign countries who fulfill all their requirements for intelligence, beauty, and willingness to participate in orgies.
     It’s an easy and exciting way to improve the brainpower and hotness level of the population.
     
     BORDER CALL CENTERS. One of the odder economic anomalies these days is that we complain about exporting low-skill jobs and importing low-skill laborers at the same time.
     Why not keep the jobs at home and let immigrants do them? Just set up call centers at the border.
     Tech support doesn’t have to go overseas.
     
     SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. Ring the border with giant treadmills and put immigrants in white shirts, pants and shoes.
     You generate energy and reflect the sun at the same time.
     And you create a really fit population that can be used for baseball and basketball teams.
     
     EXPORT PRISONERS. Why not swap populations?
     If a country allows, say, a thousand people to move into the U. S., we should send a thousand felons to that country.
     They’ve already been caught and convicted so we don’t have to worry about litigation.
     
     A GIANT GAME OF RED ROVER AT THE BORDERS. This is self-explanatory.
     
     I.D.S. No, not identification cards – Immigrant Default Swaps. Create a market to sell insurance on whether pools of outsiders make a living in the U. S. or simply go into bankruptcy.
     It’s the American way.

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