I’m Old?

     I’ve had a Jeff Foxworthy moment.
     Well, sort of.
     And it’s a little unnerving.
     I was going about my reason for existence – reading lawsuits – the other day when it occurred to me that the woman claiming age discrimination in the complaint in front of me was younger than me.
     Yikes!
     I’m old enough to be discriminated against!
     How did this happen to me?
     I didn’t know I was old, but apparently I am. Not as old as the universe, but getting there.
     Why didn’t I know I was old before? I don’t feel old. At least I don’t when I’m not around a mirror.
     Should I have been surprised by this?
     Clearly, guidance is needed. This is where a Jeff Foxworthy sort of guide comes in handy.
     You know you’re old when the people you want to flirt with call you “sir” or “ma’am.” This is particularly bad if you’re called “ma’am” and you’re a guy.
     You know you’re old when you know what carbon paper is.
     You know you’re old when you’re excited to see friends’ names in the newspaper and then realize it’s the obituary page.
     You know you’re old when you look down and your feet are missing.
     You know you’re old when you look down and you can’t look back up again.
     You know you’re old when most of your friends on Facebook look nothing like their pictures.
     You know you’re old when your BFF becomes your OFF (old fart forever).
     You know you’re old when you have no idea what BFF means.
     You know you’re old when you want to sleep in the nude and your spouse wants to sleep somewhere else.
     You know you’re old when they make you sign a waiver every time you show up at the gym.
     You know you’re old when the people at the gym have the emergency room on speed dial.
     You know you’re old when the hot chick in the other office suddenly has three grandchildren.
     You know you’re old if you’re a guy and you find yourself looking longingly at your wife’s makeup.
     You know you’re old if you’re a woman and you hide the makeup.
     You know you’re old if you don’t remember why you’re reading this.
     You know you’re old if you haven’t done anything differently than you’ve done before but now you’re getting sued for sexual harassment.
     You know you’re old if you wonder what that creaking sound is every time you move.
     You know you’re old if you’re a lot dumber than a fifth grader.
     You know you’re old if … if … what was I talking about?
     I’d continue with this, but I’m strangely tired….
     
     GREAT LINE. My favorite old age line came from my good college pal and fellow news guy Jim Dexter. A while back he told me he went to his high school reunion and none of his classmates showed up – they all sent their grandparents instead.

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