I’ll Drink to That

Have you ever wondered which human culture it was that invented or discovered wine? Me neither. I’ve got enough things to worry about already. Leave me alone.

Hah! A bit of humor for you. Don’t thank me. It’s about to get worse.

Wine was invented, the archaeologists tell us, somewhere around 6,000 B.C. in a remote region of modern-day Armenia called Hish-Glah.

Actually, that’s not true. I just made it up. I forgot for a minute that I was writing for a legal news service. I’m sorry. It will never happen again.

Actually, it is true. Archaeologists say the oldest evidence of wine comes from Georgia, around 6,000 B.C. (Not that Georgia — the other one.) And as any geographer could tell you, Georgia and Armenia abut, that is, they’re right together over there by Russia, Turkey, and the Black Sea.

And Russia and Turkey have continued to abut about until today.

Russia, an officially atheist country, prefers vodka to wine, which I would too if I’d given up hope and had to live in Russia under Vladimir Putin.

Nearly two-thirds of Turkish citizens are Muslim, or claim to be, and so do not drink alcohol at all, or claim not to — though alcohol is legal in Turkey. The preferred booze there is raki, an anise-flavored cousin to ouzo, which — trust me on this — you’ll want to stay away from. But if I lived in Turkey under Recep Tayyip Erdogan, I’m sure I’d be smashed on raki every day before the sun goes down.

Here in the United States the preferred alcohol is beer, which probably explains why we once reigned supreme over our enemy nations of drunks.

Why?

Because our drag-ass political “leaders” can drink beer a whole lot longer than you can drink raki or vodka, which has given us, over the years, about two hours longer each day to do harm to the world.

Two hours a day, 365 days a year since 1812 comes to 63 more work weeks than our enemies and allies have worked since the War of 1812. Really. I toted it up.

No wonder we were winning, for a while.

Now come these allegedly teetotalling schmucks into the White House — Schlumpf and Dreck. I think that’s their names. You could look it up.

Don’t you think, mah fella Amurricans, that these two white men — one obese and irate, one pale and trembly — would do a lot more good for our country, and the world, by kicking back at 5 p.m. every day and getting smashed, rather than using the late night and early morning hours to wreak more global havoc?

Maybe they could swap wives. That might alleviate Schlumpf’s fear of germs, and Dreck’s fear of everything.

Frankly, I’m ‘a scared of all of them.

Is that what we want, America?

A president we can all be afraid of?

Do we want a successor who refuses to meet global leaders without his wife in the room, if the global leaders are women?

Is Pence — I mean Dreck — really afraid to meet Angela Merkel in private, for fear that he might tear her clothes off, or she his?

And if so, why would we want a guy like Dreck to have any say about anything at all?

China’s favorite alcohol, by the way, is Baijiu, clear fermented grain potent as vodka.

Xi Jinping allegedly tosses off a shot glass of it on ceremonial occasions — though it’s probably water — so he can spare a few more hours for imprisoning, torturing and killing his own people, while he seeks to dominate the world.

OK, I’m sorry. I probably should not have written this column. I do not want to encourage young people to drink. I want to encourage old people to do it, so the young people can take over. Sooner rather than later, please.

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