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Op-Ed

If dogs ruled the world

March 11, 2022

Every day would be the first day of spring.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

Dogs don’t have politics.
If they did, they would chase it and bite it and shake it by the neck until it was dead. Then they’d sniff it to see if it’s worth eating, probably find it revolting, and trot off somewhere to have more fun.
Whereas a man would make a speech about politics, and try to get you to agree with him, and if you didn’t, he would follow you, raising his voice, hollering, until some other man interrupted, and tried to get the both of you to see it his way …

It’s well known that dogs are better than men.
If they were not, a smart woman might keep a man or two around the house as a pet. But no, if a woman wants a pet, she will generally go for a dog or a cat. Less demanding, one; better looking, as a rule; asks for less and is happy to get it, three; more reliable, wakes up in a better mood than a man; happier to see you, six; and satisfied with just a little loving.*
*(I except Siamese cats from all of this — Siamese cats are not Siamese, or even cats: they are from another planet.)

Now, I’m not saying that things would be perfect if dogs ruled the world. For one thing, dogs share some traits with men.
For instance, if a dog (call him Dog A) sees other dogs doing something, Dog A most likely will run up to the other dogs and do what they are doing.
Digging a hole because some other dog thought he saw a mouse? (Dig dig dig dig.)
Howling at another dog? (Aroo!)
Running around in water like a moron, barking at a suspicious-looking leaf? (Aroo! Aroo!)
However — and this is my point — what all the dogs are doing probably won’t do any harm to anyone. Even to the mouse, if there ever even was one.

If dogs ruled the world, you could walk up to strangers and sniff them anywhere, and they could do the same to you, so long as you did it politely.
There would even be police dogs looking over it, calming things down.

If dogs ruled the world, good smells would be protected by law … if the dogs could ever get their act together to get a quorum to enact it, or even write the damn legislation.

But because people rule the world, nor you nor I can walk up to folks on the street and sniff their butts — but dogs can do it. So maybe dogs do rule the world.
But I guarantee you this: One swift sniff o’ yo’ butt and a dog’ll know who you is forever.

(Robert Kahn/Courthouse News)

(Courthouse News columnist Robert Kahn was awakened from light sedation to insert the grammar.)

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