I Knew in a Minute

     ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nation
     Everyone had a couple days off for vacation.
     Except for union guys in Arizona and Wisconsin,
     But they’re commies anyway, so screw ’em.
     The candidates nestled all snug in their money,
     While doing the wild thing with some little honey.
     And Mom in her ‘kerchief counted up her receipts,
     While I snuck out the back for my own form of relief.
     When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
     I’d have sprung from the yard had I not got so fatter.
     But Mom flew to the window just like a flash,
     Giving me time to hide my stash.
     The moon on the snow shone like campaign donations,
     Easily hidden, through accountants’ creations.
     When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
     But the Republican National Committee, drinking beer.
     With a little old driver, so lively and cute,
     I knew in a moment it must be St. Newt.
     More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
     And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
     “Now, coal mines! Now, insurers! Now, Right to Life Committees!
     On, bankers! On, Blackstone! Come, show me your titties!
     To the campaign limits! To the top of the wall!
     Then dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
     As congressmen that before the NRA fly,
     For an emailed threat or a simpering whine,
     So up to the house-top the money it flew,
     With a sleigh full of toys, and St. Gingrich too.
     And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
     The prancing and pawing of his cloven hoofs.
     And I tossed in my bed, and hurt in my gut,
     As down the chimney St. Newt came on his butt.
     He was dressed all in fur, and the fur was quite sleek,
     Bought, as it was, from a New York boutique.
     A bundle of headlines hung all ’round his neck,
     And he looked like a peddler, still touting his dreck.
     His eyes – how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
     His cheeks were like suet, his nose like a cherry!
     His droll little mouth was drawn up like an orifice,
     As he climbed up from hell to seek higher office.
     The stump of a child he held tight in his teeth,
     And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
     He had a broad face and a little round belly,
     That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!
     He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
     As he stuffed his coffers with donated pelf.
     He winked his vile eye, gave his head a shake,
     And I felt in the presence of some gruesome snake.
     He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
     Taking money wherever he found it, from jerks.
     And laying his finger aside of his nose,
     He snorted and up the chimney he rose!
     He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
     And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
     But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere I lay down, all tuckered,
     “Happy Christmas to all, to all of you suckers.”

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