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‘Hi, I’m the Constitution, Can I Buy You a Vodka?’

March 24, 2017

Did you hear about the winner of the Trump Contest for an Essay on the Constitution? Neither did I. But the winners are emerging from the basement, with their heads held high.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

Did you hear about the winner of the Trump Contest for an Essay on the Constitution? Neither did I. But the winners are emerging from the basement, with their heads held high.

Ha ha! A little political humor for you.

Donald Trump is a sick man who needs treatment, lecturing us on why we need to be put in restraints. But what goes around today comes around the world. Which is why we need national health care. And more jokes.

Trump denounces newspapers, blacks, Latinos and liberal agitators in a 15-minute TV address to the nation from the Oval Office that was supposed to take 5 minutes.

“Damn!” Steve Bannon says. “Why did I give him the speech in triplicate?”

Trump sneaks out of the White House to see what people are saying about him. He steps into a White Castle, thinking he’s home, and sees children playing a computer game.

“You know, children,” he says, “my company makes this too, but in a much better version. What’s it called? How do you play?”

Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.

Ha ha! A little more political humor! Before you lay your head on the tracks!

Ever since Osama bin Laden suckered George W. Bush, and Bush suckered the rest of us into decades of pointless violence, I’ve been saying that the way to defeat fascists is with jokes.

Jokes are cheaper than land-sea invasions and bombs. More effective, too. And unlike a bomb, the collateral damage of a joke is the guy you were aiming at.

In bin Laden’s demented mind, he played a joke on the United States on Sept. 11, 2001. It was a horrible excuse for a joke. But look what happened. It set off, so far, 15 years of idiotic reactions that have weakened the United States’ former strong hand around the world and strengthened the palsied hands and idiotic minds of terrorists.

Bin Laden’s sick joke elected Trump: Precisely the sort of result bin Laden wanted.

But today’s radical Muslim groups will never govern anything, anywhere, because they have no idea how to govern. All they know how to do is kill and rape, memorize “scripture,” and force people to follow orders in the places they control, and make morons overreact in the places they don’t.

And they have succeeded at this.

Look at the United States and Europe today.

What do you see? Millions of frightened people who should know better, who have overwhelming odds against their declared enemies, overreacting against their own interests.

Please pardon this personal aside.

Many moons ago, a benevolent, Libertarian newspaper publisher granted me leave to write a column while I edited his paper. The internet then was just a dream in a virtual eye. Each time I published a column like this one, and complaints came in, my boss’s response was: “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.”

God bless him.

I’ve said it for 15 years, and I’ll say it again: The quickest, easiest and cheapest way to defeat Muslim terrorists is to tell jokes about them — in newspapers, radio, websites and on TV around the world, and on ISIS’s favorite website: Radio Free Cute Goats.

The terrorist leaders will overreact, and we’ll track their frequencies and kill them.

Easy as goat pie.

And speaking of idiots and overreacting and not knowing how to govern, we should do the same thing with Trump. Not track his frequencies and kill him — let Putin do that: and Putin could — just make jokes about Little Donnie.

Trump can’t take a joke any better than a Muslim terrorist can.

Little Donnie — Chester the Molester — is the Czar of Overreaction. A hail of jokes, if he hears them, will flush him out as quickly and surely as it would have flushed out bin Laden, and for the same reason: Because spoiled brats hate to be called on their bullshit.

Do it and they cry and throw tantrums. They pee all over themselves. And with their pants wet, how can they deny that they’ve peed on themselves? Our job today is to keep them from peeing on us.

Categories / Op-Ed

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