‘Hey, Coach!’

Many moons ago, I was an aging hippie, teaching high school music and English and coaching distance runners in a small town in Arizona. After we’d won state, twice, members of the community — even the school board — who’d had no time for me before, began hailing me across the parking lot, waving and hollering, “Hey, Coach!”

How could I leave that? How could Tim Walz have done it?

Because there are more important and better things to do than be a big shot in a small town. Even if they’re not as much fun.

OK, let’s get down. If the Democrats, led by Kamala Harris and Tim Walz, sweep the small towns — or even hold even — the race is effectively over, and the good guys win.

Here is my plan.

First: Ask this question over and over: “Donald: Why do you keep running this country down? Haven’t you anything good to say about the United States of America?

“You say that we’re no longer respected around the world. I deny it. Farmers in Iowa and teachers in Georgia deny it. The world denies it.

“You say that our economy is in deep trouble and that we are headed toward World War III. I deny it. Our country denies it. The world denies it.

“You say that if workers try to unionize, a factory owner should fire all of them. Problem solved, according to you and Elon Musk.

“But that’s illegal, under federal law, and the laws of several states. Did you know that?

“Do you care that it’s illegal? Do you know which laws prohibit it? Could you name even one of them for us?”

Second: Send Governor Tim alone on bus tour-whistlestops across the Midwest and Mountain West. Print up a bunch of posters and T-shirts: “I’m with Coach Tim!” and hand them out. Madam Vice President shall handle the cities.

Third: Madam Vice President Harris, on the first debate, shall call Mr. Pumpkinhead a “crybaby,” and a “poor loser.” In my day, that was a bad thing to be. So that should tee him up nicely.

Then she could return to the killer question: “Why do you keep running this country down? Haven’t you anything good to say about our country, and can’t you say it without insulting people? Can you get three sentences out of your mouth without insulting someone? And do you really believe that that’s the way to run a country? By insults?”

If time remains, Madam Vice President might return to the union question.

“If you are elected, would you try to make it legal to fire union organizers, before they even form a union? Do you know how many state and federal laws that would violate? Could you name even one of those laws?”

The old rope-a-dope.

In the closing moments of debate, Madam Vice President might ask: “Donald, do you support or oppose the Taft-Hartley Act? And can you offer us any thoughts about how it’s being enforced?”

(This one’s a hoot. Taft-Hartley, passed in Congress in 1947 over President Harry S Truman’s veto, limited the power of labor unions. What are the chances that Pumpkinhead knows that? Less than zero.)

Shakespeare wrote, in The Merchant of Venice: “Truth will out.”

So will ignorance.

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