Get In The Hole

      Thursday morning the 2008 British Open will tee off at Royal Birkdale, minus Tiger Woods.
      You can say what you want about the British Open. Yeah, the courses typically look like tundra and carry all the charm of a Wal-Mart parking lot. The weather sucks. And the British Open – check that – the Open Championship, falls just a notch below the green suits at Augusta on the pretension meter.
      But one thing you won’t hear this weekend, at least not much, is what appears to be a uniquely American phenomenon. You know who I’m talking about: the asshats in the gallery who yell “get in the hole!” after every single shot.
      If you saw even one shot from the U.S. Open this year, or really any shot in any tournament in America, you know what I’m talking about. The instant a ball leaves the clubface, some moron yells “get in the hole” no matter the lie, the distance, the situation, the weather yada yada yada. And for some reason, this jackass is always, always within three feet of a microphone, so it’s impossible not to hear him.
      Here’s a clue people: when anyone, Tiger Woods included, is standing on the tee box of a 600-yard par five, the ball will not go in the hole no matter how hard or how emphatically you exhort it to. Physics prevents it from happening, because nobody can hit a ball that far. Even three-time world long drive champion Sean Fister couldn’t get it that far, and he once hit a drive 515 yards.
      I’d love to meet any pro golfer, especially either Woods or noted phony Phil Mickelson, and ask them what they think about these yahoos. It seems the gallery is full of “get in the hole” shouters whenever these two make their way around the course, so they hear it more than anyone else on the pro tour. I can’t imagine they appreciate hearing it all the time.
     Knowing how intense Woods can be, I’m surprised he hasn’t sent his caddie after one of these guys with a 9-iron yet. Just once I’d love to see someone in the gallery pull back and deck one of these guys. I have a feeling you’d get a round of applause as you’re being led off the course.
      Shouting “get in the hole” doesn’t add to the ambience of a tournament. It only makes you sound like an idiot, and I can pretty much guarantee you that the people standing around you in the gallery hate you.
      Instead of shouting “get in the hole,” just shut up and watch. The ball will go straight, left, or right without your encouragement. I guarantee it.
      Starting tomorrow it will go straight, left, or right at Royal Birkdale. Every player’s ball will get in all 18 holes, guaranteed. And we won’t have to hear some idiot screaming “get in the hole” every time someone swings a club. Thank god.

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