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Saturday, December 9, 2023
Courthouse News Service
Saturday, December 9, 2023 | Back issues
Courthouse News Service Courthouse News Service

General Anesthesia seen as rising power

October 27, 2023

Out of the Republican Party’s tight white race for Speaker of the House this week, a new right-wing caucus emerged, stepping lightly in jackboots behind the Party’s fast-rising star: General Maximus Anesthesia.

Robert Kahn

By Robert Kahn

Deputy editor emeritus, Courthouse News

One Republican Super PAC organizer, speaking exclusively to Courthouse News, said the general has established his own army, or “death squad,” which he is holding in reserve “until the moment is right.”

Quashing rumors, two death squad Congress members who have been romantically linked to Anesthesia in the past, said that they never had been subjected to abuse, even while under General Anesthesia. In fact, they said, they rather enjoyed General Anesthesia.

General Anesthesia was supported in his quest for the gavel by his younger brother, Minimus (“Jimmy,” R-Ohio), who had sought the Speakership himself, and vowed never to give up, until he realized that nobody likes him, “and whispering ‘I will ne’er consent’ — consented.”

As leader of a new, emboldened right-wing caucus, General Anesthesia has all but announced his plans to seek election, sooner rather than later, to the nation’s highest office.

So who is this new face of the Republican Party?

General Anesthesia contends that America is asleep, and needs to wake up.

Irony? Perhaps.

The ever-growing Anesthesia Squad, formerly known as Anesthesiologists, this week issued a Statement Of Their Heroic Efforts At Doing Something (SOFTHEADS), a Super PAC which will be incorporated under the Anesthesiologists’ umbrella.

As a Super PAC, the Softheads will be entitled, under federal rules governing political donations, to do “anything they damn please.” (18 U.S.C., §2383).

Donations to Softheads may be made on the Dark Web, in any amount, to [email protected]. Please enclose a pseudonym with your donation. Currencies of any country are accepted. Including ₽.

Here is the campaign slogan the Softheads hope will carry General Anesthesia to ever-higher office:

“This is a war, my fellow Americans, a war that must be fought in our schools, in our libraries, on our high school playing fields, and even in our bedrooms. I get to be on top.”

Relentless media coverage of the Softhead PAC has unexpectedlynot surprisingly led to a glut of political donations, including, in one case, $100 million from a single family. But as a somewhat critical, fair and balanced, devastating report in “the failing New York Times” revealed, based, allegedly, on leaked emails from some traitor, this generous donor, and the donee, were one and the same person.

Cable media (“We decide, then report”) responded with a Slurpee flurry of reports casting slurs — ethnic and otherwise, against — and it hurts me to say this — me.

Actually, that didn’t hurt me at all. I remember one time when I was in Coatzacoalcos …

(Bob: This is Human Resources. For the third time: You may not tell that anecdote. That’s a party anecdote, Bob, not for publication in this newspaper.)

Be that as it may, late Wednesday afternoon, the Republican Party at large issued a Pronunciamento claiming that they had elected a new Speaker of the House: a religious podcaster from Louisiana who seeks to criminalize abortion nationwide, prohibit the right to contraception, illegalize elementary-school sex education, eliminate aid to Ukraine, and who claims that Joe Biden’s election to the presidency was rigged in Venezuela. (The preceding sentence is true.)

Immediately after the Pronunciamento, announced by livestream only by Pronunciamento.com, rumors burbled of an alleged split between Softheads and Anesthesiologists.

Well, let me quash those rumors right now, amigos. This putative split in the Republican Party ended when the many shades of white coalesced, got together and all agreed to run upon this campaign slogan:

“We will not abandon this civil war we have started until our entire nation rests quietly, at last, under General Anesthesia.”

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