From the New |Devil’s Dictionary

     ACLU: an organization that claims to, and often does, act upon principles, causing people of all political persuasions to revile it as insane
     
     Balloon: mankind’s first device to lend him attributes of a god; a child’s toy
     
     Capital punishment: a form of death reserved for the poor
     
     Democrat: the party of the working man, which demonstrates its principles by begging at rich people’s back doors
     
     Election: a sort of feeding, like goldfish food, which is prepared in factories most people will never see, and which must not be dispensed too often
     
     FBI: an organization which rose to power under a cross-dressing nance who tapped phones, blackmailed members of Congress, arranged the murder of black leaders, hated Jews and liberals, suggested to Martin Luther King Jr. that he kill himself, violated state and federal laws and the Constitution, and defends our civil liberties
     
     God: a fellow who could solve all our problems but does not; a joker
     
     Hell: a fantasy; a Christian Freudian slip
     
     Ideology: a lie told by bullies to cowards
     
     Jews: 1. (pre-1948): a people universally oppressed, exiled and murdered, whose response was to develop a sense of humor; 2. (post-1948): a people universally oppressed, exiled and murdered, whose response was to see how the shoe felt on the other foot
     
     King: a relic; a lucky guy with a big chair
     
     Liberal: an invidious term people use to indicate their contempt for the principles upon which their country was founded
     
     Mouth: the body part through which most mistakes are made
     
     Nazi: a conservative, pro-business, pro-defense political party which believed in traditional religious values, a strong executive, and wished to live in a post-racial society
     
     Oral sex: like the modern financial industry, this involves a lot of excitement and occasional screaming and moaning, but no real production
     
     Political parties: organizations exempted from the laws on extortion
     
     Quakers: a group forced to be peaceful because if they were not they would kill one another in their interminable meetings
     
     Religion: an organization like a country club, and established for the same reasons, but which collects its dues in a different manner
     
     Stockholm syndrome: modern life
     
     Tiger: the most beautiful animal that ever existed, for which reason men kill it
     
     Unitarianism: a group dedicated to the impossible project of reconciling reason and religion
     
     Vietnam war: a war the United States refused to admit it lost, and so fights over again in other places, with similar results
     
     Wall Street: a street in lower Manhattan named for the wall built around its slave market; its slaves have been dispersed
     
     X-ray: a contraption that shows men’s bones without the flesh; a time machine
     
     Yesterday: traditionally, the time when the tragedy could have been prevented
     
     Zoo: institutions in which man may study superior species but fail to learn from them

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