Fight Theory With Theory

Conspiracy theorists finally did it — they’ve made me laugh.

I know this is a pretty low bar. I am, after all, a skeptical, self-righteous snob who will chortle at almost anything that doesn’t fit into my world view.

Still, come on. React to this headline the other day in The New York Times (one of the snobby information sources that I look at a lot): “No, There Are No Microchips in Coronavirus Vaccines.”

You’ve got to admit that’s a good one.

At least some of you have to admit it. Apparently there are people who don’t see the humor. That leads to an important question: What will it take to make those people scoff?

Debunking theories clearly does not work. Conspiracy believers aren’t scouring the Times or scientific journals.

The solution is to double down on conspiracies. If we can get enough bizarre, hopefully unbelievable paranoid fantasies out there, maybe, just maybe, it will dawn on some of the believers not to believe everything.

If you want to combat fictional conspiracy theories, make up as many you can and send them out into social media. If possible, put out multiple plot lines that contradict each other so that they can’t possibly all be true.

I have examples you can expand upon and promote.

George Soros at Chick-fil-A. The chick in the name is the giveaway. Young bulimic women are being imprisoned by Soros at Chick-fil-A franchises where they are stuffed with chemicals and forced to regurgitate. The vomit is then used to fill “boneless” sandwiches that contain hallucinogens.

Tucker Carlson is an android. Insiders at Fox have reported seeing wires attached to the creature’s buttocks that lead to a complex computer array. Mysterious men and women with bad haircuts have been seen typing nearby.

Tucker Carlson is an alien. His daily commutes to and from a moon base have caused several airline disasters.

President Trump both won the election and lost the election. Alternate parallel dimensions yielded diverse results. You can enter your preferred world via a well-guarded telephone booth located just south of Fargo, North Dakota. Contact Frances McDormand for instructions.

Has anyone seen Bigfoot and Donald Trump in the same room? Just saying….

Isn’t it odd that there is an odd number of Supreme Court justices? The number nine is a signal of impending doom. Join the movement for a larger even-numbered court before it’s too late.

There are microchips everywhere. They’re in the water, they’re in the air, they’re in every Ben & Jerry’s flavor. Haven’t you ever wondered why a giant company is called “Micro”-soft? Is it because it’s tiny and everywhere? Fortunately, we can reprogram them with our brains if we concentrate and pay no attention to what we’re seeing.

My computer keeps asking me if I am a robot. Am I a robot? How would I know? Is it a coincidence that I believe in a creator? Am I lying to the computer?

Snakes are distributing Apples. When you buy an “Apple” product, you gain access to knowledge. It’s the original sin. Don’t fall for it.

This column is not funny. You may have mistaken this for humor but I am not smiling. Be serious.

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