Dear Cat Lady,


     Dear Cat Lady,
     My 3-month-old cat just ran across the living room floor on her hind legs, waving her front paws in the air like a New Yorker flagging down a blind cabdriver. She looked like one of those lizards that run across lakes. It there something wrong with her?
     – Worried in Cucamonga
     
     Dear Worried,
     This is normal behavior for a cat.
     – The Cat Lady
     
     Dear Cat Lady,
     My 4-month-old cat bites my nose every night when I fall asleep. If I stick my nose under the covers she bites my eyebrows. I’ve been sticking my entire head under the covers, but it suffocates me. I’ve been staggering around in a sleepless daze for weeks. What can I do about this?
     – Worried in Oxnard
     
     Dear Worried,
     This is normal behavior for a cat.
     – The Cat Lady
     
     Dear Cat Lady,
     My 5-month-old cat just leapt up into the air from an apparently sound sleep, whirled around 360 degrees in a barrel roll, hopped across the room sideways with her back arched like a witch’s cat and then attacked my 110-lb. Akita. It upsets my dog when she does that. What can I do about this?
     – Worried in Petaluma
     
     Dear Worried,
     This is normal behavior for a cat.
     – The Cat Lady
     
     Dear Cat Lady,
     My bull mastiff, Champion, is a very friendly dog but yesterday a Bible salesman came to the door and Champ wouldn’t stop growling, barking and lunging at him. I had to apologize to the salesman and send him away. It turned out that he was not a Bible salesman at all but a City Councilman. Also a serial killer and cannibal. He ate my next-door neighbor and was arrested, wishbone in hand, au jus. What can I do to keep Champion from barking at people who come to the door?
     – Worried in Bell
     
     Dear Worried,
     Your dog is seriously disturbed. He needs intensive professional help. I am a cat lady, however. I do not offer advice on dogs.
     – The Cat Lady
     
     Dear Cat Lady,
     Something is wrong with my 5-year-old cat. She used to run around like a maniac and bite shadows and dart out from under things to scratch my ankles and trip me and try to kill me, but now she spends most of her life snoozing. What should I do?
     – Worried in Geyserville
     
     Dear Worried,
     Get another cat.
     – The Cat Lady
     
     (Write to The Cat Lady, c/o Courthouse News. She’ll answer your questions when she feels like getting around to it.)

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