Dead or alive?

Is the president an android?

I’m not the sort of person who buys into conspiracy theories, but how else do you explain the plan announced recently by the U.S. Treasury Department to put Donald Trump’s mug and fist pump on a new dollar coin?

The law — which I admit doesn’t mean much these days — says you can’t put a living president on an official money-type coin. So when I heard about the Treasury plan the first thing that popped into my head was “The Simulacra.”

If you Google “The Simulacra” by Philip K. Dick, you get a summary that includes this sentence: “The government is a fraud, led by an android president, and the society is a complex web of conspiracies involving time travel, telekinesis, mental illness, and the resurgence of Nazi ideology, all under the shadow of incessant corporate advertising and societal malaise.”

Sound familiar?

Clearly, the president is deceased and has been replaced by an android — so the Trump coin is legal. There is no other reasonable explanation.

Further evidence: Listen to a Trump speech. Now consider artificial intelligence hallucinations.

See what I mean?

Please spread the word on social media.

Truth in labeling. I know some of you think changing the names of the Department of Defense and the Gulf of Mexico was a bad idea. The cost of printing new stationery and fixing maps alone is an argument against the changes.

Still, there’s something to be said about truth in labeling. We should have a clear idea of what we’re getting from government agencies and gulfs.

My problem with the new Department of War is that it’s not the best or most accurate name. Clearly, this agency is the Department of Beauty. Or maybe the Department of Village People.

No fatties and beardos allowed.

Other agencies clearly need new names and many of them are pretty obvious.

The Justice Department is the Presidential In-House Counsel.

The Department of Homeland Security is the Department of Home Insecurity.

The Department of Education is the Department of Hooky. (DOH!)

The Department of Health and Human Services is the Department of Alternative Medicine. (DAM!)

The Department of Energy is the Department of Increasing Pollution So Humanity Is Threatened (DIPSHIT)

Washington, D.C. is Trump, D. M. (District of Melania). The place can’t have an elite university in its name.

The Internal Revenue Service is now the Pay What You Want Service. No one is left to check.

And the White House is the Golden Palace.