Crossover Heaven

     I know I’m not going to be the only one doing this, but I can’t help myself. Some columns can’t avoid being written.
     I’m speaking, of course, of the crossover possibilities now that Disney has acquired Marvel Comics. After all, Daredevil and She-Hulk are lawyers and SHIELD is a sort of law enforcement agency. This is something you legal types out there can be contemplating.
     So let’s think of this in litigation terms. Who would be suing whom in the Disney/Marvel universe with Matt Murdock or Jennifer Walters as counsel?
     Donald Duck v. Howard the Duck. After Donald accuses Howard of identity theft, Howard responds by punching Donald in the face and dropping cigar ashes on him. Attempts by Howard’s friend Beverly to mediate the dispute are thwarted when Daisy Duck spreads a vicious Internet rumor about an inter-species affair.
     The X-Men and Goofy v. Scrooge McDuck. Goofy, of course, is a natural addition to a group of mutants (and should team up with Wolverine in an upcoming six-issue special). When the team, now also including the dinosaur from Toy Story, applies for a security contract with McDuck Enterprises, they are rejected. Discrimination litigation ensues. An attempt at settlement founders when Cyclops, Ice Man and Colossus combined are unable to open the McDuck basement safe.
     Snow White v. Millie the Model. Pure cat fight. It begins when Snow is bumped by Millie off the cover of Cosmicpolitan.
     Dr. Doom v. Jiminy Cricket. This may seem like a mismatch at first, but we’re all equal in court if we can afford to pay a lot for lawyers. The story begins with an unlikely premise: Doom and Jiminy both just happen to be entertaining (U.S. and Latverian) troops in the Middle East when, during a break in the shows, they both go for walks and simultaneously stumble upon a mysterious cave. Inside, in a far corner, they spot a gleaming object. Both Doom and Jiminy race to the spot – Jiminy is nimble and Doom is slowed down by armor. They get there at the same time and touch what appears to be an oil lamp.
     The genie, naturally, is confused. Who should get the wishes? Isn’t world peace in conflict with world domination? When arbitration fails, a dramatic court scene ensues as Judge Watcher determines that the best interests of the genie would be served by placing him in a foster home with the Power Pack children.
     The Little Mermaid and Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner v. Iron Man. Environmental litigation. It begins when playboy/industrialist Tony Stark, on a Caribbean holiday with a bevy of beauties, notices underwater construction of an expansion of Atlantis at the edge of the resort lagoon. Namor and the Mermaid counter Stark’s injunction request by invading the surface world.
     Beast v. Beast. Beauty’s Beast sues the X-Men’s Beast for trademark infringement. The case is thrown out when they realize they’re both working for the same company. The tale ends badly, however, when Beauty realizes she’s in love with the intellectually-superior X-Man. This turns her husband back into a raging beast who becomes the X-Men’s bitter nemesis. A highlight of the issue is the death match between new X-Man Goofy and an animated candelabra.
     Country Bears v. The Hulk. The bears sue over property damage after the green monster smashes their theater just because it happened to be in his way. The Hulk counters by smashing the courthouse.
     STEP UP, WARNER BROS. By the way, let’s not forget that Warner Bros. has owned DC Comics for quite a long time and it hasn’t stepped up. We all need to let Warner know it can easily match the new competition from Marvel/Disney.
     I really want to see the Batman/Yosemite Sam showdown.

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