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Criming for president

August 21, 2023

Donald Trump may think he's done enough crime to win the presidency, but he may need a few more indictments to seal the deal. I'm here to help.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

“I’m being indicted for you.” — Donald J. Trump

It may seem like the self-sacrificing former president can’t do any more for us. It may seem like his collection of indictments is enough to ensure his reelection.

But is this really true? There are a lot of evil forces or at least forces insisting on democracy lined up against him. The next presidential election could still be close.

Fortunately, there are ample opportunities for further crimes and indictments to guarantee the White House.

I have suggestions.

Death on Fifth Avenue. Trump said it himself. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn’t lose any voters.”

In fact, of course, he’d gain voters.

The candidate should immediately purchase a weapon and head for New York to put this to the test. Loyal aides, however, should make certain the potential victim is not also armed.

Serial jaywalking. There are millions of jaywalking voters out there who will empathize with a victim of jaywalking citations.

Campaign slogan: “America: We walk into traffic.”

Bitcoining. Just do anything with cryptocurrency.

Drugs. A drug habit would look fantastic on Trump. He’d lose weight and then stand up for voters who refuse to give up their freedom from rehab.

The only problem with this, of course, is that no one will be able to tell the difference when he’s talking or Internet messaging. Aides will have to make certain the candidate is filmed snorting and/or injecting.

Join more gangs. The candidate already endorses several gangs Oathkeepers, Proud Boys, etc. so why not join a few inner-city groups?

Photo ops should include tattoos and appropriate colors.

Say gay in Florida. You not only get an indictment, but you annoy a rival.

Tax fraud. Yes, the candidate has already used this crime, but there are many as-yet unexplored issues for the IRS to question and boost the Trump campaign.

Should Vladimir Putin be listed as a dependent?

Why is Mar-a-lago depreciated to zero value?

Is hush money a business expense?

Is “luxury bathroom storage area” part of a home office?

A bank heist. You could do it the old-fashioned way give Trump a fedora and a tommy gun and back him up with henchmen (Moist Rudy, Pillow Man, Hannity the Hammer).

Or the modern way Trump in black tights drilling underground and dodging lasers.

Both work.

The Joker walk. This is the clincher.

Remember when the Trump political era began the candidate majestically descending down an escalator to proudly announce the comeback of public racism?

Now picture a re-creation of that scene with a slight alteration: Trump with green hair, luscious red lips extending across his cheeks, thick black mascara around his eyes.

And he’s dancing down the stairs!

There’s no stopping him now.

Categories / Op-Ed

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