Crash and Burn, |and Burn, and Burn

     When you’re a former actress in the final burn stages of a career flameout, you’ve dropped the booster rockets, large chunks of whiskey bottles and balloons of cocaine have begun circling the atmosphere as space litter, and everyone on earth has pretty much forgotten about you as you take off into the darkness of oblivion, it’s usually not best to make a u-turn and blaze back across the headlines without at least a Golden Globe nomination in hand.
     Unless your name is Lindsay Lohan. Then, you turn that rocket around and hit re-entry with the enthusiasm of a hyena at a roadkill convention.
     In entry # 2,323,147,083 of the Stupidest Lawsuits Ever Filed contest, Lohan is now suing e*Trade over this ad.
     The suit was filed Monday in Nassau County, New York. According to Lohan, the use of the girl infringes on Lohan’s “likeness, name, characterization, and personality,” in violation of Lohan’s right to privacy.
     Where do you even start mocking Lohan? The fact she claims a ten-month-old baby (give or take) looks like her? That’s funny, considering that the 23-year-old Lohan has been flirting with looking 42 for a couple of years.
     Or the admission that the baby’s dazed, “I-Just-Got-Hit-In-The-Face-By-A-2X4/Teetering-On-The-Brink-Of-Understanding-Reality” look common to those barely capable of standing upright is a legitimate characterization of Lohan’s day-to-day existence?
     Or the fact that Lohan compares her personality to that of a person who still regularly defecates in her pants, social graces be damned?
     Perhaps the funniest thing about this suit, other than the $100 million in damages being sought, is that Lohan’s attorney, Stephanie Ovadia, insists that Lohan has the same “single-name” recognition of someone like Madonna or Oprah.
     That’s the kind of claim non-attorneys ridicule, and attorneys either chalk up to gunslinger advocacy or a need to pay rent.
     Either Lohan has an ego so large it could stress the seams of the new Cowboys Stadium (which I doubt considering her relatively scant work history), or she’s hard up for money and is looking for any and all streams of revenue that might keep her going for one more day, dignity be damned.
     I’ll take the latter for $1000, Alex.

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