Come Out, Come Out,|Wherever You Are!

     Thank God that’s over.
     The problem with running a holier-than-thou campaign is that you never know what God will do next.
     But now that God’s wrath screwed up the Republican convention, again, where are all the televangelists?
     I am far too good a man to recall all the poofty-headed pastors who took credit for praying a hurricane away from Miami, and claiming that Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for Roe v. Wade, and failing to observe that God smote New Orleans, again, as the GOP’s 2008 convention began.
     Oh, OK, I’ll mention them. They were Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition and the Christian Broadcasting Network, and all the vicious holy men who dragged their sorry butts behind him, beating on their golden begging cups.
     Now that Hurricane Isaac has smitten the Republican Convention again, where will televangelists go for their gold bathroom faucets and tax-free donations?
     Now that God has taken away their hurricanes?
     I jest.
     Actually, I don’t.
     Republicans have said for a generation that they want to Get Government Off Our Backs.
     Except when it comes to sex and religion.
     When I was a boy, my mom and dad and grandparents told me it was impolite to talk about sex and religion, except with your closest friends, and even then, in private.
     But today, our most private beliefs – sex, religion and Who God Likes Best – are the core of the Republican Party platform – along with the theory that obstruction constitutes public service.
     Romney and Ryan believe, apparently, that they can make up anything they want – about man, woman, God and the law – and if their slogans don’t catch on, they’ll try something else the next time.
     And no one will remember what they said before.
     But some people do remember.
     With all due respect for the people who Tropical Storm Isaac killed in Haiti and the Dominican Republic, and all the people suffering in Louisiana and Mississippi, I didn’t mind it a bit when Republicans had to postpone their convention this week for fear that photos of orphans and homeless people would cut into the liberal media’s coverage of Republicans’ plans to take government aid away from orphans and homeless people.
     But I wonder: What sodomitical practices was Isaac sent here to warn us away from?
     Kissing bankers’ butts, perhaps?
     God wouldn’t punish us for that, would He?
     Isaac, of course, was Abraham’s first-born son, whom Abraham was willing to sacrifice to God.
     (Abraham didn’t have to do it. Read the Bible, or better yet, Kierkegaard.)
     Because I’m such a classy guy, and so many others have already made the joke, I would never suggest that Isaac was sent here to punish all the gay Republican congressmen, convention delegates, and state, county and city officeholders, for what they do in private.
     I would never suggest that God, through His inscrutable language of low barometric pressure, was telling the Republican Party: “Come on, dudes, loosen up.”
     But as Isaac, and the Republicans, blow themselves out over the Bible Belt, it’s worth remembering that millions of people have suffered and died for their beliefs over the centuries – beliefs they held in private, and that were no one else’s business, but for which their government tortured and killed them. And that you never know when God’s wrath may come back to smite you, or for what.

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