Choosing a VP

     I don’t usually get into politics here but the Democratic nomination race is getting so weird that it’s becoming my kind of subject.
     The really weird part – and, I admit, there’s not much that’s not weird about politics – is how so many Clinton and Obama fans feel about the prospect of defeat.
     Otherwise extremely rational women are convinced that a Hillary defeat could only mean sexism – and they’re prepared to be bitter about it.
     Otherwise extremely rational minorities are convinced that an Obama defeat could only mean racism – and they’re prepared to be bitter about it.
     Since they can’t be co-president, there’s going to be some serious bitterness and I’m getting a little nervous around my wife.
     And, with the bitterness-in-waiting, the obvious solution probably won’t happen. We won’t have a presidential ticket with both Clinton and Obama.
     So what should the winner do?
     Pick a running mate that balances the ticket for either women or minorities.
     Naturally, I have some suggestions.
     For Hillary, the obvious choice would seem to be Oprah Winfrey. Some of you might think that’s an obvious choice for Barack, but it’s not. Remember that Hillary supporters think Barack has this enormous unfair advantage because he’s black and blacks get most of the advantages in life. You’d only be feeding that point of view.
     No, Oprah would make more sense running with Hillary. Black voters would feel empowered, Hillary could take advantage of that black advantage, and, best of all, Oprah could counsel Hillary on her marriage.
     And they could go on tour and give away stuff at rallies.
     It’s a winner.
     So who should Obama pick?
     Well, somebody like Janet Napolitano, the governor of Arizona, naturally comes to mind, but that’s way too obvious. Besides, what about all the New Yorkers feeling slighted if Hillary loses?
     So the winning choice is: Silda Wall Spitzer. She’s a lawyer, she’s a woman, she’s a New Yorker, and she knows something about women’s pain.
     It’s a winner.
     
     LAWYER FAT. Why do séances not work?
     Come on. You all know this.
     The spirits never arrive if there are unbelievers in the room.
     I reflected on this truism the other day after spotting this sentence on a website dedicated to providing yet another service aimed exclusively at lawyers: “Leventhal Weight Loss Incorporated has a 100% success rate among clients who are committed to losing weight.”
     Yes, it’s a miracle weight-loss program that will only work if you agree to exercise and eat right. Or something like that.
     And, yes, I don’t make this stuff up – it’s a service just for lawyers.
     Really. Check it out. The website is www.attorneyweightloss.com. Busy doctors or paralegals apparently can’t benefit from this program.
     Apparently this is weight loss program developed by a formerly fat lawyer, so he truly understands the special needs of chubby counselors.
     And what do those special needs include?
     I don’t know, but let’s all guess – the most prominent part of each page of the website is a picture of a young female in a bikini.
     I don’t know what firm she’s with, but I want her in court with me – in that outfit.

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