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Bubble Kids

September 14, 2020

Why can’t school be like the National Basketball Association? It seems so obvious. If it works for LeBron James, it can work for children.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

Why can’t school be like the National Basketball Association? It seems so obvious.

We’ve had this weird national debate for months over whether children should go back to school as soon as possible so they can learn how to be disease vectors.

Keeping kids at home is bad because there may not be a few luxuries like child care and food. It also may drive adults insane. Remote learning can help but there are all those careless people out there who forgot to afford computers and the internet. Even if they do have those things, they — and a lot of their teachers — don’t know how to use them.

But sending kids off to petri dishes sounds bad too unless you really hate the little buggers.

So isn’t the answer clear? Bubble the children. If it works for LeBron James, it can work for children.

All you have to do is test kids for disease and, if they pass, send them off to Disney World or the local equivalent to live for the school season. Just make sure they don’t sneak out to go to strip clubs.

This is not a radical idea. You have heard of boarding schools. It’s the same concept without Christmas vacation.

The child Covid problem has been solved.

Educational freedom. Prepare to be inspired. Put on some patriotic background music. Hoist your flag and set up your fireworks. I now present to you the first two sentences of a 46-page lawsuit filed in Provo, Utah, (home of Brigham Young University) on behalf of eight individuals:

“The Utah Constitution does not diminish in times of trouble, instead it stands as the vigilant bastion between Utah’s government and the eternal and unalienable rights of her people. Its promise of liberty is steady and uninterrupted.”

I want to weep, but I’m going to control myself.

You’ve probably guessed by now that this is one of those suits on behalf of people demanding their right to spread Covid-19.

I know we’ve seen a lot of this sort of lawsuit, but this one, aside from being wonderfully dramatic, cites an interesting authority: The Book of Mormon.

No, not the musical. The Latter-day Saints version of the Bible, at least according to the lawsuit, governed the formation of the state constitution.

It gets weirder the deeper you get into the complaint. I’m picturing the guy writing this lapsing into more of a frenzy the longer he composes but I know that’s unfair and horribly biased of me. It’s probably me that’s frenzying while I’m reading this thing.

Anyhow, on page 35 the state constitution is quoted saying that schools “shall be open to all the children of the State and be free from sectarian control.”

So religion should be kept out of schools?

Nope. The complaint’s next paragraph is (with bold type as follows): “The Utah Constitution’s Preamble assures the people that this fundamental educational right, along with every other liberty and principle of free government, comes from God — not government.

Two paragraphs later there is this single sentence in quotes: “What therefore God had joined together, let not man no put asunder.”

A footnote says this is from Holy Bible, Mark 10:9. I have no idea who is getting married. Maybe the attorney was distracted by something on TV.

I could go on, but I won’t. Being frenzied is really tiring.

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