Bob Is Not the Problem

A neurophysiologist in England has been studying men’s and women’s orgasms in her laboratory for years, and she thinks that having orgasms might help mental health. I’m not trying to brag, but I could have told her that.

I suspected it years ago, though I didn’t think it was science when I was doing it … those lonely nights in the laboratory …

Back in eighth grade, my science teacher, Mr. Selz, told us: “Don’t play with it!”

Now I guess they tell them: “Go ahead and play with it. Blame Darwin and the Democrats.”

I say: Bring on Darwin and the Democrats.

Children and old people — I’m an old person — children and old people all over the United States are masturbating today, without remorse, thanks to the Democratic Party.

God bless the Democratic Party! And if you can’t bless them, God: Forgive them. Those were the only choices we had back then. And still today.

Getting back to science, Dr. Nicole Prause studied orgasmic meditation, alcohol, Viagra, slow sex and vaginal contractions.

Let’s hear it for slow sex and vaginal contractions! And alcohol!

Now, I admit that the Democratic Party is a distant third to slow sex and vaginal contractions, but hey, you can buy alcohol and Democrats. You can’t buy slow sex or vaginal contractions.

Excuse me for a moment; I have to take this call. (You can? Can you … how much would it … Hey, man, I gotta go. I’m working here.)

OK. So. Dr. Prause studied brainwaves, galvanic skin response and transcranial direct stimulation, where they shoot electricity into your brain to make you have an orgasm, without you touching anyone or anyone touching you.

Sign me up for that!

No touch, no foul!

Now I lay me down to sleep!

Tie my hands down if you want, but … aren’t we missing something here?

Isn’t touching one another the point?

Women, Robertas, you know that the way a guy touches you shows the kind of guy he is. Men … think about it.

But what do I know? I’m an amateur. If there were world rankings about how men make love, I’d be around four billion and two: “Knows some jokes and won’t hit you.”

Pretty good score, ladies? A bit above average for a guy?

But let’s ask the experts. Dr. Krause studied Orgasm 2.0 — they’ve got a program for everything today — and, of course, the doctor studied pornography.

I’m not sure what the difference is between studying pornography and just looking at it. Maybe it’s the size of your … collection.

I don’t like pornography. And I’m not saying this to try to impress women. Anyway, Dr. Prause, the orgasm scientist, said that nothing — no device, no training, nothing — will ever solve the “Bob problem” — when a woman cannot have an orgasm because her partner’s technique is no good.

(Pause for reflection.)

“No pills or brain stimulation are going to fix that,” Dr. Prause said.

(Longer pause, to calm down.)

OK. Maybe Dr. Prause is right. How should I know?

Maybe I haven’t done enough “research.” With Dr. Prause.

I’ve never “been with” Dr. Prause.

But why did she call it a Bob problem?

Is there a Bob in the doctor’s past?

Shouldn’t that disqualify her from writing about Bobs?

Is this science, or a plot against Bobs?

And while we’re at it, why has there never been a King Bob?

We’ve had 16 King Louies, but not a single Bob.

Nor a president Bob.

Or have we?

(Courthouse News columnist Robert Kahn can type his hard-hitting essays without looking at his hands.)

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