Better Questions

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We, as a country, need to work harder on our conspiracy theories. It takes a lot of imagination and a very straight face to come up with good explanations for stuff we know nothing about and I sometimes think America’s pundits are getting lazy. Their ideas are losing their entertainment value.

Take the furor last week over the 49 questions that special prosecutor Robert Mueller has for President Donald Trump. As of this writing, there are two popular conspiracy theories explaining why the questions found their way to The New York Times. One is that someone on Mueller’s team leaked them. The other is that a Trump supporter or lawyer leaked them.

Really? Is that the best we can do? Conspiracy theorizing is a national pastime. We should have some standards.

So I urge all of you to get to work coming up with better ideas. To get you started I have a few.

Decoy questions. How do we know these are the real questions? Someone — probably the North Koreans or porn stars — made up the questions to throw us off the scent of the real story: (Create your story here).

Trump did it. He’s done almost everything else, so why not this? He leaked the questions so that he can be outraged after forgetting he did it.

The French disconnection.  Is it a coincidence that this happened just after French President Emmanuel Macron visited the White House? He was pretty handsy with the U.S. president, so he could easily have slipped a hand into a pocket and taken what he wanted. Or he may have snuck into the Oval Office while supposedly taking a toilette break.

Why would he do this? He’s French! If the president is disgraced, Macron is free to woo a distraught Melania and claim her for a mistress.

The Wolf trap. The White House Correspondents Association brought in Michelle Wolf to mock people who would never think of saying bad things about anyone else so that the sensitive president would flee the city, thereby leaving his files ripe for the taking.

I could go on and on but there’s another topic to address here — there are other questions we want answered. Mueller needs to get answers to the things we really want to know.

So here’s another challenge for you: Come up with questions the prosecutor should ask the president and then send them to Robert Mueller.

Here are a few that should be required:

Propecia? Really? Does it work?

Do you know where Puerto Rico is?

When was America great?

What do you believe is the fair market value of purchasing silence?

Is chocolate cake a food group?

When did The New York Times fail?

How much television do you watch?

What was the last book you read? What was the last anything you read?

If a tree falls in a forest, why aren’t the rest of the trees cut down?

How many lawyers do you have? How long will you have them? Is one of your goals job creation for the legal industry?

Do you believe in love?

What do you believe is the purpose of the U.S. Justice Department? Should it have a purpose?

When you run out of lawyers will you bring in Bobby Lashley?

If Duterte and Erdogan are good dictators and Kim and Assad are bad dictators, how do you tell the difference? Is it something they said to you?

Have you considered military action against the government of Wakanda?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Are you getting sleepy?

When you wake up, you’ll remember nothing of this interview and will resign immediately ...

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