Before You Sue …

     A cursory search of the Courthouse News database turned up 53 class action complaints about computer printers.
     Many of these claim that multibillion-dollar corporations, such as Hewlett-Packard, arrange it so that their printers flash a warning light that the ink cartridge is empty before the cartridge really is empty.
     Here’s a simple trick for you, class-action plaintiffs.
     When that light flashes, take out the cartridge, bang it on your hand a couple of times and shake it, then put it back.
     It’ll keep printing for weeks.
     Trust me on this.
     I do it all the time.
     Do it the next time the light flashes, too.
     And the time after that.
     You’ll get the last ounce of ink out of your printer, and you won’t have to hire an expensive law firm to file a class-action lawsuit.
     OK? You morons?
     
     Here’s another idea.
     Did you run a red light, or did someone driving your car run a red light, and did you get a traffic ticket for it because a camera took a picture of your license plate, and your car, running that red light?
     Did your city ask you to pay a fine of, say, $45, or even $145?
     Do you want to file a class action lawsuit challenging the right of your city to ticket you for the fact that your car ran a red light?
     Here’s a better idea: Imagine your kid riding a bicycle through an intersection, with the light, or crossing at a crosswalk. Now imagine some jerk running a red light there. Have a nice day.
     
     As I wrote in a previous column, more than 5,000 sexual harassment lawsuits are filed in our civil courts each year, most of them by women suing bosses or co-workers.
     Here’s an idea, women: Rather than letting it get to the courts, why not punch the guy in the face the first time it happens?
     I know, I know: Women are not raised or trained to do this.
     You could be sued for punching your boss, or just for decking a co-worker.
     Still, I think it’s a better option than relying on the courts.
     The first time a guy grabs your butt at work, punch him in the face. Hard.
     Make a fist, with your thumb on the outside, not on the inside, and punch him as hard as you can in the nose.
     Think of it as a favor to the judicial system.
     
     Finally, to go from the vile to the ridiculous:
     Did you ever find an insect, or part of an insect, in your vegetables?
     Did seeing that bug make you feel bad?
     Did you want to sue someone?
     Think for a minute.
     Do you know where vegetables come from?
     Do you think it’s reasonable to sue someone for finding an insect in your vegetables?
     Did you know that insects contain valuable protein?
     
     I have more ideas about how to save money and improve the courts. But let’s try these for a while and see how they work.

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