Before You Go …

     I am 62 years old. I have several college degrees. I am news editor for this serious news page, which is read by hundreds of thousands of people, many of them lawyers and journalists. I should not have to say what I am about to say, yet the relentless recurrence of a certain lawsuit makes it incumbent upon me to do so.
     Women may wish to stop reading now. Guys: Read on.
     Here is a tip for all you guys who are a bit short of brains and penis: There is no drug, cream or ointment that will make your penis any bigger.
     Forget it.
     “There ain’t no setch animal,” as my Southron grandpa used to say.
     In the past three years, Courthouse News has recorded 641 lawsuits involving the word “penis.”
     I looked it up.
     That’s four point two lawsuits a week, every week.
     I do not know how many of these lawsuits, many of them class actions – i.e., expensive – involve these miracle creams, and I don’t want to know.
     But I can tell you this, guys: None of them work. Not one of them. None. Zero.
     Let us look a little more closely at this issue, O ye of little brain. Put it under the microscope, so to speak.
     To suffer actual harm for a claim like this, O ye of insubstantial flesh, you have to actually buy one of these products.
     You can’t file a lawsuit in which you claim that you, or your class, was hurt, because your penis did not suddenly grow to gigantic dimensions, unless you actually went out and spent money on the stuff. Or, more likely, spent money in the unease of your own home, on the Internet.
     Let us estimate, conservatively, that the cost of filing a lawsuit like this is $3,000. That comes to $12,600 a week spent on lawsuits involving the word “penis.”
     True, some of these are workplace harassment lawsuits. A few are medical negligence cases. But due to our conservative estimate of $3,000 per lawsuit, these amount to little more than rounding errors.
     At $12,600 a week, this means that somewhere in this favored land, year in and year out, guys are spending $75 an hour around the clock – $1.25 a minute – not to make their penises grow bigger, but to sue someone because the plaintiff guys think their penises are too small.
     Here’s another tip for you, plaintiff guys: Maybe you’re right!
     So what?!?
     Maybe you’ll just have to work a little harder!
     And here, finally, is a third tip for all you $75 an hour, rock around the clock, whining, inadequate-feeling s.o.b.’s:
     Don’t spend the money on that stuff!
     It won’t work!
     Join a gym.
     Go jogging.
     Ride a bike.
     Learn a musical instrument.
     Chicks dig that.

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