Are You Still There?

     Hello?
     Is anyone out there?
     Just kidding. Of course you’re out there. But why?
     After all, the world was scheduled to end last Saturday. Why are we still here?
     The smug skeptics among you are probably thinking the world failed to end and that all the Apocalypse warnings meant nothing.
     But how do you know the world didn’t end?
     We could have been completely destroyed and then instantly recreated. Our consciousnesses could have been extracted from our bodies and downloaded into seemingly identical new ones. (Fellow nerds: remember what happened to Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica.)
     We might not be ourselves at all but simply copies. After all, this is God we’re talking about. He or she could have easily done that.
     So don’t get cocky.
     
     ALLOCATING RESOURCES. I was listening to a radio interview of the superintendent of schools in Los Angeles and he came up with a fascinating statistic. He said that California spends $7,000 per student each year and $58,000 per prison inmate.
     Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
     We need to send our students to jail.
     Not only will they get the resources and attention they need, but they’ll also get meals, health care, and access to legal resources. And trips to the principal’s office will be a greater deterrent to bad behavior. Think timeouts in solitary confinement.
     Security shouldn’t be an issue.
     If a student has special needs, death row is the place to go. We all know how expensive that place is.
     Criminals, of course, should be sent to schools where they can be properly neglected.
     
     IT’S ALWAYS THE QUIET ONES. A couple of landlords in Los Angeles got a bit of a surprise earlier this year after their tenants, who for three years never seemed to cause a problem or complain, stopped paying rent.
     According to a complaint filed in Superior Court, “plaintiffs entered the insured residential property to find that the premises had been used to grow marijuana and was completely destroyed beyond recognition.”
     That’s some strong weed.
     The suit, in case you’re wondering, is against the insurance company that doesn’t want to pay for marijuana damage. Expect this to go to a higher court.
     Much higher.
     
     TOUGH ROLE. One of the perks of being a lawyer is that you can throw stuff into lawsuits whether they have anything to do with the legal issues or not.
     This is from a profit-participation suit filed on behalf of actor Mike Connors against Paramount Pictures and CBS: “Mr. Connors held the starring role as ‘Joe Mannix,’ the tough-as-nails private eye who, by one count, was shot 17 times and knocked unconscious another 55 times during the show’s eight-year run.”
     No wonder he didn’t notice he wasn’t getting paid.
     
     POST APOCALYPTIC THOUGHTS. I have a question and an observation.
     First, let me note that I have very little interest in either celebrity gossip or golf. But sometimes I can’t resist pointing out the obvious.
     The observation: Tiger Woods wins while having regular sex with lots of irregular women. Take the sex away and the golf game goes.
     The question: where are the rest of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s children?
     You can begin circulating the unfounded rumors now.

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