Another Problem Solved

     I have the solution to our economic problem: presents.
     We can get out of this darned recession and have fun at the same time.
     According to news reports last week, the government stimulus program wasn’t working because citizens were taking the extra money and sticking it in the bank instead of spending. That wouldn’t be all that bad except the banks were hording it too and not lending it out into the economy (either because they were scared or because people weren’t applying for loans so they could get into more horrible debt).
     Insoluble problem?
     Hardly. In fact the answer is so obvious, I can’t believe I could be the only person to think of it. (I’d Google this idea, but I don’t want to find out I’m not the first and be disappointed.)
     Instead of giving money to taxpayers (or taxreceivers), the government needs to spend the money for us by buying us presents.
     Target the areas of the economy that need stimulation, buy up their products or services, and give them to citizens to enjoy. Cut out the unreliable middle-people who may irresponsibly put money in the bank.
     Convert Uncle Sam from the doddering old relative who sticks a twenty in a card come holiday time into the cool, young bachelor uncle who comes up with a video game console and a subscription to Maxim.
     Admittedly, there will be some killjoys who’d rather get something like food, but they can be accommodated because there’s another wonderful aspect to this: real citizen participation in government.
     If there’s a present you really want, you can send your wish list to Washington.
     “Dear President B. O..
     “Mommy says not to call you B.O, but everyone thinks it’s really funny and you have to get me a present anyway.
     “I want a car, a bazooka, and a horsie. And please make Granny feel better or give me her presents if she dies.”
     We could stimulate the costume industry by buying up elf outfits for mail carriers to collect those letters. And think of all the jobs for shopping mall Baracks.
     Come on, ladies. I know you want to sit on that lap and ask for things.
     Stimulus Day could be the best time of the year. The next economic legislation package needs a Santa Clause.
     Please forward these ideas to Washington.
     DON’T CRY FOR ME? It’s easy to make fun of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, but I’m not going to do that because I’m outraged.
     Here’s yet another conservative, pro-business politician betraying our country – by outsourcing.
     We have thousands – maybe even millions – of perfectly good mistresses in the United States of America and this man takes his business to Argentina.
     Did Eliot Spitzer leave the country to implement his stimulus package?
     Of course not. Some people know what’s good for the country.
     TRUTH OR DARE. Remember the key to comedy?
     Let me think now … it has something TIMING!
     OK, old joke. But it came to mind immediately the other day when reading a business news story speculating that Apple Inc. may have violated securities laws by not revealing last year that CEO Steve Jobs had a liver transplant.
     Does litigation ensue?
     Maybe. Maybe not.
     Think of this in terms of timing.
     Since Apple did not reveal the truth last year, the company stock did not drastically drop. Now that the transplant worked and the word is out, the stock has also not drastically dropped.
     Time the announcement differently – i.e. telling us last year – and the stock would have dropped.
     Why is anyone complaining?
     Maybe we’ll get a class action on behalf of investors who would have bought Apple cheap if it had tanked last year and then gone back up when the transplant was a success.
     Timing is everything.

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