Alternative stages

Late-stage capitalism seems to be to blame for pretty much everything in the country these days — maybe justifiably so. But what exactly is it?

I’m not sure, but it seems to be anything that’s wrong. No further explanation appears necessary.

We used to have just plain old capitalism, and there were still things wrong but they weren’t necessarily capitalism’s fault.

So what we do about this? Shouldn’t we replace late-stage capitalism with a better system? Are there other more benign forms of capitalism we should think about? Are there forms of capitalism even worse than late stage that we must avoid?

I didn’t know, but I’ve done some research and I’ve found alternatives that should be studied.

Early-stage capitalism. This seems kind of obvious, but it has some drawbacks. In early-stage capitalism, distribution of income and resources is determined by babies. Each crop of newborns is placed in a large circle. The parents of infants who crawl out of the circle first become rich. Everyone else has to fend for themselves.

If your baby refuses to leave the circle, he or she (along with their parents) will be assigned jobs in the government.

The difficulty with this form of capitalism is obvious: the temptation to “juice” babies will be hard to resist.

Broadway stage capitalism. We all sing and dance in the streets. This will lead to a spike in traffic deaths and those of us without rhythm will be shunned.

Whether this stage ends almost immediately or continues for decades will depend on the approval of pundits.

Stage fright capitalism. In this stage, we all panic. We may be nearing that stage now.

Exit stage left capitalism. Each according to his abilities; each according to his needs.

Exit stage right capitalism. President Marjorie Taylor Green.

All the world is a stage capitalism. In this stage, all the governments in the world will unite to become one large country that argues over nations’ rights and abortion. It will seem familiar.

Stage mom capitalism. Only mothers will be allowed to run corporations and serve on the bench and in elected offices. There will be a booming childcare economy; criminals will be sent to their rooms and ordered to clean; and naps will be required.

We will all feel great comfort.

Stagecoach capitalism. Public transit will replace all forms of private transportation. Roaming groups of outlaws and exploited people will be a constant threat but our carbon footprint will be practically nil.

Stage door capitalism. In this form of capitalism, celebrities dictate style and distribution of wealth. The editors of Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Billboard and People will meet on a quarterly basis to determine the relative value of Taylor Swift, Beyonce, Bad Bunny and Martha Stewart signed currencies.

Speculation through record and book purchases will be an inflationary threat.

It’s just a stage capitalism. Just stop worrying.

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