Ain’t That a Kick in the Pants?

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
— Theodore Roosevelt

Once upon a time, one of the jobs of a president of the United States was to lead and inspire the nation, especially in times of trouble. Here are some memorable quotes from our presidents, inboldface, each followed by a quote from the present squatter in the Oval Office, in italics.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
— Theodore Roosevelt

“I am greeted with a hostile press, the likes of which no president has ever seen.”

“Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
 Abraham Lincoln

“I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

“Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people who make excuses.”
— George Washington

“The Fake News Media, the true Enemy of the People, must stop the open & obvious hostility & report the news accurately & fairly.”

“It’s easier to do a job right, than to explain why you didn’t.”
— Martin Van Buren

“We are going to win four more years. And then after that, we’ll go for another four years because they spied on my campaign. We should get a redo of four years.”

“If tyranny and oppression come to this land it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.”
― James Madison

“The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing noncompetitive.”

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

— Abraham Lincoln

“You’re disgusting.” (In a 2011 deposition when an opposing attorney asked for a break to pump breast milk for her 3-month-old daughter.)

“Remember, remember always, that all of us, and you and I especially, are descended from immigrants and revolutionists.”
― Franklin D. Roosevelt

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. … They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

“It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”
― Harry S Truman

“My fucking generals are a bunch of pussies.”

“Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.” 
— Dwight D. Eisenhower

“A person who is very flat-chested is very hard to be a 10.”

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”
— Abraham Lincoln

“You’re disgusting.” (To a female reporter who asked him a question at a White House news conference.)

“There is something inherently wrong, something out of accord with the ideals of representative democracy, when one portion of our citizenship turns its activities to private gain amid defensive war while another is fighting, sacrificing, or dying for national preservation.”
— Warren G. Harding

“The beauty of me is that I’m very rich.”

“Yet if God wills that it [the Civil War] continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman’s two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said, ‘The judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.'”
— Abraham Lincoln

“I have black guys counting my money. … I hate it. The only guys I want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day.”

“I pity the man who wants a coat so cheap that the man or woman who produces the cloth or shapes it into a garment will starve in the process.”
— Benjamin Harrison

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media write, as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.”

“We are a nation of immigrants.”
— Jimmy Carter (on signing the 1980 Refugee Act)

“Waterboarding is your minor form. Some people say it’s not actually torture. Let’s assume it is. But they asked me the question. What do you think of waterboarding? Absolutely fine. But we should go much stronger than waterboarding. That’s the way I feel.”

“Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.”
― John F. Kennedy

“The problem is we have the Geneva Conventions, all sorts of rules and regulations, so the soldiers are afraid to fight.”

“There must be two Americas: one that sets the captive free, and one that takes a once-captive’s new freedom away from him, and picks a quarrel with him with nothing to found it on; then kills him to get his land.”
— Mark Twain (not technically a president)

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