ABCs

     Entries from an incomplete dictionary:
     ACLU: an organization that claims to, and often does, act upon principles, causing people of all political persuasions to revile it as insane
     alcohol: a blessing and a curse, with no religious significance
     atheist: a fellow who has reached a conclusion on a subject about which nobody knows anything
     bicycle: the greatest invention of the human mind: a mechanical device which cannot be used for harm
     capital punishment: a form of death reserved for the poor
     cat: an animal so superior to man it need not demonstrate it, yet does, by the manner in which it walks, jumps, curls up to sleep, and deals with man
     Catholic Church: a multinational corporation that started out in poetry and storytelling, then moved into real estate
     Chicago police: they serve, protect, plant drugs, suppress evidence and torture black people
     Christianity: a religion whose most vocal adherents dedicate themselves to demonstrating their ignorance of, and inability to abide by, the tenets in which they claim to believe
     class warfare: a term of opprobrium used by people who are winning the war, against anyone who fights back
     cow: a stupid, peaceful animal that domesticated man, enabling him to survive as a stupid animal that wages war
     death: formerly, an occasion for showing off; now, a solution to a situation we have defined as a problem
     Democrat: the party of the working man, which demonstrates its principles by begging at rich people’s back doors
     don’t ask: a dull, repressed, oppressive condition
     don’t tell: basic politeness; good manners
     election: a sort of feeding, like goldfish food, which is prepared in factories most people will never see, and which must not be dispensed too often
     fame: a state of being watched and hounded, which most Americans believe they want, and to which they feel entitled
     grass: the vegetable tyrant that rules the United States of America
     Hemingway, Ernest: a writer whose critical reputation is lower than it’s ever been, because everyone writes like him now
     homosexual: a man whom some people believe likes men too much, which disturbs some of those people, for reasons obscure or obvious
     ideology: a lie told by bullies to cowards
     Illinois: the most corrupt state in the union, with the possible exception of New York, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Ohio, Michigan, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida, Mississippi, Alabama, Louisiana, Texas, Arkansas, Arizona, New Mexico, Nevada, Kansas, and some others
     jazz: “Jazz is freedom. Think about that. You think about that.”
     – Thelonious Monk
     Ku Klux Klan: white evangelical Christian cowards who dedicate themselves to killing the helpless
     lawnmower: a form of legal identification
     lemmings: a) Americans who do not vote; b) Americans who vote
     liberal: an invidious term people use to indicate their contempt for the principles upon which their country was founded
     Libertarian: a political party whose platform is to follow ridiculous ideas off a cliff
     mouth: the body part through which most mistakes are made
     (Next week: N!)

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