A Message From the Cat

     Most of us know what e-mail is by now but have you heard of pee-mail?
     I hadn’t until our cat, for some unknown reason, began refusing to use her litterbox. So, naturally, I took to the Internet to find an explanation and came across pee-mail — i.e., a fragrant communication from a cat.
     I still have no idea what the cat was trying to say, but apparently there’s a message in there somewhere.
     This got me thinking (which is always dangerous). What other kinds of alphabetical mail should we know about? You lawyers out there need to know this stuff because it’s liable to come up in discovery.
     I’ve made a list:
     b-mail: Second tier messages. Stuff you can look at later. Can also refer to a shipment of honey.
     c-mail: The report card your daughter has hidden from you.
     chi-mail: Instructions from your guru.
     chichi-mail: Instructions from your stylist.
     d-mail: Jamaican mail. As in: “I’ll smoke da blunt after reading d-mail.”
     fee-mail: Bills.
     g-mail: A sarcastic reference to seeing messages come in. As in: “G-mail. What a shock.”
     he-mail: Organ extension and Viagra ads.
     key-mail: Important stuff that you’ve lost.
     lee-mail: A message devoid of rhetoric — lacking in windiness.
     me-mail: Self-as-the-center-of-the-universe communications. Think Twitter and Facebook.
     she-mail: Identity confusion and self-doubt coupled with an inability to spell.
     t-mail: Discussion of beverages. Not to be confused with ….
     tee-mail: Slogans on shirts.
     tree-mail: The stuff on your lawn in the fall.
     v-mail: Low-cut blouses worn in bars.
     wee-mail: Similar to pee-mail but usually applied to small children, leprechauns, and piggies.
     zee-mail: Regular mail in France.
     DRIVING AID? I can’t let the week go by without noting the following from a press release:
     “SAN DIEGO, Sept. 3 /PRNewswire/ — San Diego DUI lawyer Lawrence Taylor claims that California DUI laws should not be applied to marijuana usage. Unlike alcohol and many drugs, he says, marijuana probably does not impair driving.”
     Unfortunately, all that munching is very distracting.
     There is something to be said for relaxed drivers, though. You cut down on road rage and if you get stuck in traffic – well, what’s the hurry?
     License plates can be hilarious.
     ALTERNATIVE PUNISHMENT. You never know where you’re going to find solutions to social problems. I just found one in a footnote in a ruling from the Court of Special Appeals of Maryland. This is from Hong v. Cha:
     “Failure to make timely payments and other breaches result in nonlegal sanctions such as criticism that, carried along the channels of gossip, injures the defaulter’s reputation and may lead to social ostracism.”
     Thus solving our prison overcrowding problem.
     We just need to make sure these people don’t get rewarded with starring roles on reality shows.

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