A Losing Plot

Are we missing something with the controversy over the U.S. Postal Service? Were Republicans really trying to steal the fall election?

Depending on your political sympathies, you probably had an easy yes or no answer to the second question. But what if I said both sides are wrong?

OK, I know the answer to that is that everyone will hate me. But as a courageous commentator, I’m going to press ahead and enlighten you. After all, conspiracy theories are all the rage these days. Why let crazy people have all the fun?

So here’s my conspiracy theory: Yes, the president and his people were messing with the Postal Service — but it wasn’t to get him reelected. This was a clever and devious scheme to lose the election.

Think about it. President Donald Trump is an old guy who doesn’t like to work. He’s got to be looking forward to some me time on a nice tropical island without a U.S. extradition treaty.

He’s way behind in the polls, but we know this is a man with pride. If he’s going to lose, it has to be the bigliest, most historic, record-breaking loss ever. Nothing else will do.

The President has already done everything possible to outrage all the lefties out there. How do you alienate that pesky base that wants to vote for him after he shoots people on Fifth Avenue?

Take away their mail!

Republicans need their mail-order popcorn. They also need their bills before they’re past due and their prescriptions. Republicans might even want to vote by mail.

Consider what may happen to the elderly conservative demographic: either Covid-19 gets them or they don’t get their pension and Social Security checks.

It’s a brilliant, almost foolproof unelection scheme.

This conspiracy stuff is fun. I’ve got to do this more often.

Odd lawyer quote. A litigator in Georgia last week was quoted last week as saying this: “We need football, I believe from a morale perspective.”

We do?

OK, I’m not a football fan so maybe I don’t understand this but you’d think football fans could find something to keep their spirits up. Don’t they enjoy heavy drinking?

In case you’re wondering about context, the quote is from an article titled “Columbus trial lawyer says if college football in canceled, don’t blame the attorneys.”

Yeah, but blaming attorneys could help with football fan morale.

For your entertainment. I have an exercise for those of you who are bored and have run out of entertainment: compare and contrast the roll call voting at the political conventions with the roll call voting at Eurovision.

You will have many hours of enjoyment.

Speak for yourself. Cultural appropriation is a bad thing even in litigation. It’s not enough to mean well.

A federal judge in Texas has thrown out a lawsuit by a guy who “is inexplicably coy about identifying his own race” but “impliedly concedes that he is a white male.” The suit was a challenge to a school district’s election system because it discriminates against minorities who are not white.

The court ruled the plaintiff didn’t have standing because he was white. There is discrimination in discrimination litigation.

This plaintiff needs to find a minority friend.

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