A Better Reality

I suppose I expect too much out of life, but when I see an intriguing headline, I think it should be followed by an astounding tale.

Instead, I get disappointment.

For some reason, there was a lot of disappointment for me last week. News reports and opinionated essays just weren't living up to their labels.

What follows are just a few of the headlines that raised my brows last week only to have them immediately lowered. You can click on the headlines to go to the disappointing real stories.

To make me feel better I've made up the sort of copy that should have come beneath these headlines.

From Bloodhorse: "Pope Acquires Two Seven-Figure Tapit Fillies."

The Vatican today announced that Pope Francis has dipped into church coffers to purchase a pair of racehorses costing more than $2 million.

A church spokesman, while fielding questions from skeptical reporters, insisted that although many consider Francis an iconoclastic figure, the equine investment is a safe and practical one.

"Both fillies will be bathed in holy water and blessed," said Bishop Giovanni Cardinale. "They simply cannot lose. And they will bring forth as many offspring as they desire."

The bishop also noted that a significant amount of prayer has always been associated with horseracing.

Names for the fillies have not yet been chosen but a source close to the pope revealed that the choices have been narrowed to Mary and Magdelene or Notre and Dame.

From Slate: "We Can Share Our Menstrual Cycle Data with Others on an App. Should We?"

Sharing economy giants Uber and Air BNB have teamed up to produce a new way to decide the right time to schedule that quick vacation or get the heck out of the house.

A program called Go With the Flow had been designed to gauge the mood of potential short-term landladies and roommates.

The companies are also reportedly negotiating a licensing deal with Tinder although analysts worry that subtracting part of the romantic mystery from the use of the dating app could take the fun and suspense out of it.

From The New York Times: "Donald Trump Reveals Plans for Families in Bid for Women's Votes."

Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump today revealed plans for isolated quarantine camps to house all children until they reach the age of 30, thereby relieving women of onerous parenting duties.

"We will build a wall around the camps and the children will pay for it with their labor," the candidate insisted.

From the Dallas Morning News: "Dallas Seminary Becomes 1st in U.S. to Make Course on Child Sex Abuse a Must for Would-Be Clergy."

In an effort to rehabilitate a tarnished reputation and make churches more inviting, religious officials in Dallas have announced that all would-be priests must be provided training in the proper abuse of children.

Course material is said to include an emphasis on secrecy and alibis.

From the Orlando Sentinel: "Hungry Startup Uses Robots to Grab Slice of Pizza."

Sources have revealed that the founders of a new software engineering firm in Orlando have had lunch.

From The Huffington Post: "Family Sues After 7-Year-Old Gets Handcuffed at School for Crying."

The parents of a 7-year-old who remained cheerful despite being handcuffed have sued the Emerson School for Crying for failing to fulfill its educational mission.

"True humility and depression cannot be brought about by artificial means such as handcuffs," said the suit, filed in Kansas City on behalf of unidentified parents who enrolled their son at Emerson "to teach him the reality of life."

When reached for comment, Emerson principal Morris Alexander, was unable to respond while sobbing.

Subscribe to Closing Arguments

Sign up for new weekly newsletter Closing Arguments to get the latest about ongoing trials, major litigation and hot cases and rulings in courthouses around the U.S. and the world.

Email *

Submit