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Op-Ed

Holiday gift guide

December 12, 2022

Having trouble finding the perfect present for that special someone? Fortunately, I'm here to help.

Milt Policzer

By Milt Policzer

Courthouse News columnist; racehorse owner and breeder; one of those guys who always got picked last.

It’s time once again for our annual Holiday Gift Guide. Let’s get right to it:

A Ruth Bader Ginsburg Christmas ornament. Yes, you can hang your favorite Jewish jurist on a Christmas tree. The tiny Ruths come in a package of six so you can imagine her being the majority of the Supreme Court on your festive display.

A miniature replica of an early 19th century naval cannon. What desk or tiny fortress in your office would be complete without defensive artillery? The cannon is mounted on a mahogany carriage with wooden wheels. $435 may seem like a lot for a tiny weapon but this is part of your defense budget so cost should not be a consideration. And shipping is free!

A Jewish Space Laser Corps pin. Proudly display your membership in a secret conspiracy to destroy America by wearing this lovely enamel pin on your tallis. If anyone gets suspicious and asks about it, you can claim you’re part of a religious group of eye doctors.

A Breitbart Fight Club USA Champs Long-Sleeve T-shirt. This is for those of you who have too many friends. The online description begins with this: “The Breitbart Fight Club ain’t for those who want to be liked by vacuous Hollywood hypocrites, a corrupt media that assume conservatives are guilty until proven innocent, and uni-party elites in D.C.” The shirt guaranteed to exponentially increase the number of people who dislike you.

An official U.S. House of Representatives Throw Blanket. For a mere $70.65 you can be comforted by the people you elected. It may be the only comfort you get from them.

 A paperweight made out of marble taken from the U.S. Capitol steps. Did you miss out on getting a souvenir on Jan. 6? Well, you can still get a piece of the Capitol. It may have been ripped up during remodeling but it’s still a symbol of the destruction of government property.

An Iggy Pop pillow. Perfect for the guest bedroom when you have to put up with relatives you don’t like. This lifelike portrait of Iggy Pop is sure to provide nightmares for anyone forced to recline on it.

A Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives sticker. You can plaster these official-looking labels on anything —  including your weapons — and then go on raids. The stickers come in four different sizes so you can trick out your ride or create your own fake ID.

A “Samuel Alito? Wacko!” dog T-shirt. Is your dog upset about the Dobbs ruling? Give the bitch an outlet for her frustrations with this expressive clothing that will also keep her warm. (Note: if you spay and neuter, your dog won’t have to worry about Dobbs.)

A Judicial Watch golf towel. Proudly display your appreciation for your favorite litigation-obsessed right-wing organization on the golf course. Or, if you have a different opinion, burn the towel in a TikTok video. Either way, this is a statement piece.

A set of 18 bobbleheads of unpopular U.S. presidents. For a mere $500, you can purchase bobbleheads of “eighteen United States Presidents who have previously been neglected when it comes to bobbleheads.” Buy this in the interest of historical justice.

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Excessive force. I’ve seen so many lawsuits against law enforcement over the years that I thought it was impossible to be shocked.

Then I came across this sentence from a lawsuit against the County of Los Angeles the other day: “When she arrived home, after entering the property, Petitioner/Plaintiff went to close the gates to the property and was accosted by a dozen (Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department) personnel in full riot gear with guns drawn — for a raid on a cat rescue!”

No one wants to get scratched.

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