My Platform

I apologize for making you all wait this long. I know you’ve gotten your hopes up, but I regret to inform you that I am not running for president in 2020.

No, no — don’t protest. I know everyone else is running for president and I’m certainly the most qualified for the job in my mind, just like everyone else. But I’ve reluctantly come to the conclusion that what this country needs is someone who can be completely honest about what this country needs.

You’ve probably noticed by now that the president along with every candidate and soon-to-be candidate who wants to replace him denies the truth of their intentions. They all think they can fool us, but we know better. It makes it hard to have an honest discussion.

So I’m going to tell you what I would do if elected, since I’m not running.

First off, I’d take away your hamburgers and cows. Those brutish four-legged creatures are not only repulsive, but they smell terrible. Try driving past a stockyard without gagging.

We need to eliminate cattle before they stampede through our streets and steal our children.

Then I’m coming for your guns because I don’t want you to shoot me.

Cars — not just RVs — must be eliminated. They’re only going to be trampled in the cattle stampede anyway so we might as well get rid of them now.

We need more hotels run by presidents because who knows more about decorating than presidential spouses? Foreign dignitaries need places to stay, so why not make them pay our public officials? There need to be some perks of the job. Otherwise, only the poor would run for office.

The rich should have no taxes or they should have to pay all their money to the government.

All bathrooms should be for everyone except for specially designated facilities clearly marked “Bigots Only.”

Creating a New Deal just for Greens is clearly racist.

AOC means America on Crack.

Christmas is my enemy. We need a bigger military commitment to end this war once and for all.

The foreign criminal hordes are coming! Let’s give them jobs.

We must have more regulation to create jobs in the regulation advice industry.

We must hug all our American flags because they’re insecure and need love. Then we can do whatever we want.

A woman has an absolute right to make all decisions regarding her body. Abortion must be legal until a fetus has finished high school.

Once the war on Christmas has been won, we must stop all funding of the military and open our borders to support the free market for recreational drugs.

Socialism for everyone! Free lunches and no jobs!

I promise to appear on film dancing.

I will conduct endless witch hunts. We must stand firm against the American witch plague.